lL

2011-06-10T04:53:00.001-07:00

Everybody's emotions are running wild. I wish I could say I'm the one as stable as a rock, supporting them steadily, but this time, the wave of problems really washes me away like sand.
I'm no longer as strong as I was, or maybe I wasn't even strong from the start. I wish I could give a genuine smile, but the truth is, I'm not happy, and I don't think I'm ever gonna be.

Cause every friend means something to me, and I'm damn sick of cold wars. I told Tingwei, that I really felt like ignoring everybody, and probably just die of loneliness, but I couldn't. I tried once, but I made my friend sad instead. Tingwei's sad expression, at that time, I guess I will never ever ever forget...

But, what to do? This time round, I'm really tired. Tired of pretending that I'm happy when I really am not. Tired of pretending not to care, tired of acting like nothing's wrong...

I'm tired of everything.

2011-06-04T07:48:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOW YI LIAN!

Just realised that Yilian never dresses up when she's with us. :/

So biased towards Jiaxin. LOL. Jiaxin, YOU SO LUCKY! :(

Still, I got to see pretty pretty Yilian today cause she hang out with Jiaxin earlier.

So I guess I should thank Jiaxin right?

Anyway, me and pretty pretty Yilian and Shimin went to watch Kungfu panda 2!

And awesome Shimin forgot to bring Yilian's present, while even more awesome me did not even buy her a present.

So I told Yilian to wait and I immediately rushed down to the shops to get something.

AND I SAW IT!!!

that bracelet.....

It was kinda simple, not as outstanding as the complicated ones, yet I think it depicted her.

After all, she's always the quiet one in the background, kindly supporting each and every single one of us.

AND SHE'S ALSO THE ONE WHO DOESN'T SHARE HER FEELINGS MUCH.

This pisses me off sometimes when I can sense that something is bothering her and yet she won't say it.

Anyway, I bought the bracelet and gave it to her.

It was suppose to be romantic I guessed, since it was a surprise and I was putting the bracelet on for her.

But I was too rough. HAHA.

I was like: 把你的手拿来！

And I just grabbed her hand before she could say anything.

Heehee. :X

Still it turned out to be an awesome day.

AND SHIT!

I just remembered we didn't do the birthday bash.

DAMN!

-.-

OH well. the next time I see her....

hehheeeeeehhhhhhhhh

*evil laughter*

^^

YILIAN, WATCH OUT!

I realised then, that she had no one to celebrate for her. No one was her true friend. No one probably even cared. So I thought in that instant, that I would make her birthday special for her. I would make her the happiest girl in the whole world. After all, don't everybody deserve to be happy?

2011-06-03T09:40:00.001-07:00

I don't want to lie anymore. It hurts like hell.

2011-05-16T07:09:00.001-07:00

YES, I'VE KICKED MYSELF OUT OF THE CLIQUE. FROM NOW ON, I'M NOT PART OF THAT CLIQUE ANYMORE.

2011-05-16T06:23:00.001-07:00

MY VIEW POINT ON THE RECENT CONFLICT. I posted it up here because I think Sheryl you should see what I have to say. Si en too. (:

Okay, everybody has expressed their views, and as promised, now is my turn to say my thoughts.

At first, there were lots of things that I wanted to say, lots of resentment inside me. I even thought of the exact words to write on this blog on the journey to SGH. Then, I entered SGH and saw my grandmother.

I don't know how to explain that feeling to you, but seeing her struggling with life so much, I felt ashamed. Here I am, quarreling with my friends over some petty issue, while there she was, struggling to live cause she did'nt want her children to worry over her.

She didn't see our tears, but I know that she must have known that everybody was crying over her. Watching her children getting more and more tired out helping her, while she is unable to do anything. That helplessness, the self-hatred she must have had, I guess I will never know..

But what I saw in her finally opened my eyes. Her strong will to live for her loved ones, and her loved ones' determination to not let her see their tears. I finally realised what it was. I almost cried at that realization... Love.. It was love.. Unconditional and unending love..

Many times, I have told you guys that I love you, but have I truly meant what I said? Reflecting upon what I have experienced so far, I am sad to say that my love for you guys is nothing compared to what my aunts and uncles, grandfather had shown my grandmother. And my grandmother, ever the strong one, who survived a week beyond the doctor's expectations.

Life and death, it's natural, I know, but if given a choice, who would want to die? Who would want to leave their loved ones behind forever? No one right?

I read this on the Internet: Sometimes, you forgive a person cause you still want them in your life.

Yes, it's true. I forgave Sheryl because I still want her in my life. She is that important to me, as every one of you are to me. All of you guys mean something to me, be it Sheryl, Michelle, Yilian, Tingwei, Shimin and Sien. I do love you guys, and I need you guys to know that.

Life is unpredictable; you never know what might happen. So I thought to myself that day when I was about to forgive Sheryl, if I were to die someday, would I rather Sheryl know that I hated her and cursed her to the depths of hell or that actually deep down, I love her as much as Shimin and the rest of the clique?

I chose the latter option. I love Sheryl, so why bother hiding it? Why bother playing games? Time waits for no man and I don't want to waste anymore time arguing about this. My opinion of this thing? My stand? It's all written below:

I love every single one of you, be it Sheryl, Shimin, Sien or anybody else in the clique and if one day I were to die, I would like every single one of you to know that I love you and I never blamed you for anything. You guys were the best friends I had. I can still remember those times when I was awkward with Yilian and Tingwei, and how hard we tried to talk to each other. I cherish those times as much as I cherish the times when Sheryl and I quarreled. After all, doesn't quarreling mean care?

And now currently, I guess you can say I'm quarreling with Shimin, but I really don't want to. I hate quarreling with anybody in the clique cause I feel as much hurt aswhen I quarrel with Sheryl. If Tingwei was Sheryl, a very irritating person, I would have still forgiven her and be her friend. YOU GUYS ARE EQUALLY IMPORTANT.

I don't want to say anymore. After reading this post, whatever you choose to do, whatever decision you make, I'll choose to respect it. But even if you hate me, or don't want to be my friend, just know that I'll always love you, and a place in my heart will always be reserved for you.

P.S. I never intended to add Sheryl back into the clique. Like what I told Yilian, Sheryl is my friend, but not the clique's friend, and it is a fact that she was extremely disrespectful to Shimin's mum so I wouldn't expect Shimin to forgive her. She was also horrible to Yilian, Michelle and Tingwei too, so I didn't want to subject you guys to such torture of pretending to be okay with her.

-amelia

Yes, I wanted to let you guys know that I LOVE you, and you all are VERY IMPORTANT to me and I'll TREASURE this friendships forever.

2011-05-15T10:51:00.000-07:00

TURN BACK THE FUCKING CLOCK AND BRING ME BACK TO THOSE TIMES.

2011-05-15T07:20:00.000-07:00

Went to SWS today with Yilian. :D

SHE SAY MY TONE QUALITY IMPROVE!! YEAH! *winks*

Then later, MRT-ed back with Yilian and Sheryl. Kept giving Sheryl the cold shoulder.

Hey, it doesn't mean that you're my friend means that all hurt is forgotten. It isn't.

Anyway, I alighted at Outram Park and got pushed out of the MRT by Yilian. MEAN! ='(

THEN, ON TO SINGAPORE GENERAL HOSPITAL~

Saw my grandmother, she's way worse than before.

*emoing starts here. don't like, please skip.*

She kept complaining pain pain pain, and my grandfather was very upset, he kept crying cause there was nothing he could do to help her.

Then my father pulled my grandfather out of the ward, and I went out with him. I fully felt like shit then, was what you called, EXTREMELY emo.

So sad Amelia decided to message her friends to feel better. To her horror, none replied.

So EVEN MORE sad Amelia typed this on her phone:

Today, I felt really alone. I thought that my friends will always be there for me no matter what, then why is it that none of them is replying me now? I'm scared. I'm really very scared. This is too sudden. I'm not prepared. How could someone's condition deteriorate so fast? How can it even be possible?
Today, I finally realised what's the worst feeling in the world: knowing that the one you love is suffering and yet being unable to do anything about it.
Now here I am sitting comfortably, while there she is suffering alone with nobody there to help her. Where's the justice? What did she do wrong? It's not fair!!
Life and death is natural. But which human wants to experience death? Which human is strong enough to let go of their dying loved ones? Which human is capable of doing that? I ask you. If there is one, please show me. I really want to see what that person's heart is made of.
What they say is true, sometimes letting go is harder than holding on. I can't let you go. I really can't. Please. Help me. Teach me how to let go. Teach me how to have a heart of steel. Teach me how to be inhuman..
Save me.

That was how emo I was. SO THANK YOU MICHELLE, YILIAN, TINGWEI, AND SHERYL for replying me. You may not know it but just your presence there was enough. It made me happier.

I don't ask much from my friends. Just be there when I need you. (:

Thank you God, for giving me such great friends. Thank you.

I love you my friends, every single one of you.

2011-05-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

2011-05-10T03:08:00.000-07:00

IT'S SO HARD TO SAY GOODBYE!

I wish that someone will just hug me and tell me that everything's gonna be okay, that this whole thing is just a nightmare, and I'll wake up from my bed the next morning perfectly fine.
But it's not, and it's never gonna be.

I know my answer now. I want her suffering to end, stop the dialysis!

2011-05-08T08:56:00.000-07:00

YOU DISAPPOINT ME.

2011-05-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

范瑋琪《暮光》

作詞:王雅君作曲:王雅君

星星帶我許過愿望
那一年的夏我的夢好長
你帶我飛翔

星星陪我看懂了迷惘和希望
那就帶我瘋那就帶我狂
我追到了天堂

暮光燃燒了太陽
推著我浪跡天涯
愛是一道不滅溫暖的光

暮光燦爛了晚霞
直到夜都被照亮
我用微笑迎接美麗的光

星星帶我許過愿望
那一年的夏我的夢好長
你帶我飛翔

星星陪我看懂了迷惘和希望
那就帶我瘋那就帶我狂
我追到了天堂

暮光燃燒了太陽
推著我浪跡天涯
愛是一道不滅溫暖的光

暮光燦爛了晚霞
直到夜都被照亮
我用微笑迎接美麗的光

暮光燃燒了太陽
推著我浪跡天涯
愛是一道不滅溫暖的光

暮光燦爛了晚霞
直到夜都被照亮
我用微笑迎接美麗的光
我找到了你們肯定的目光

2011-05-01T08:23:00.000-07:00

Being strong wasn't as easy as I thought it was. In fact, it is so difficult, so damn difficult. I guess I am wrong. Maybe I am not as strong as I thought I was.

To all my friends, I guessed I never really explained myself. Presently, my grandmother is dying. It turns out that her leg wound got infected, and the flesh had rot off, leaving the bone exposed. To prevent the infection from spreading, the doctor said that they had to amputate her leg. But the trick was this, even if the operation was successful, there would be very slim chance of survival.

When my grandmother heard this, she got a shock. She refused vehemently to amputate her leg. On that night, which was Friday, my uncles and aunts had a discussion. Nobody knew what to do. Amputate her leg, even though my grandmother doesn't wish too, and bank on that slim chance of survival, or don't amputate the leg, and let the infection spread, till she dies?

The next day, the doctor did an X-ray. The infection had spread to her lungs and bones. She had a disease which I cannot remember its name. I'm not good with biological terms anyway. Back to the story... They could not do the amputation as the risk would be double. The inevitable conclusion was this, give her antibiotics, and some painkillers, and let her body fight on its own, till she goes to heaven..

The doctor estimated that the most she could live was one week more. In other words, she would die before I even finish my exams. Meanwhile, there is nothing that anyone can do. We can only satisfy whatever needs she wants, and hope that she passes on peacefully...

Meanwhile, as what Mr Tan always says, Life goes on. I still have to try and study, still have to try and focus, still have to take my examinations... Man, life just sucks huh?

But I'll stay strong, for her and for me. I'll try my darn-est best, so that she can leave with a smile on her face. So peeps, I guess I'm sorry. I can't study out with you guys anymore. I've gotta camp myself at the Singapore General Hospital.

My grandmother would not want me to worry about her. She would want me to study. This is the least I can do for her. In fact, she wouldn't even want me to be there, but I want to. I need to reassure myself she's still alive, you know what I'm saying?

So that's just an explanation if you see me looking irritated, sad, angry, pissed....
I won't be in a good mood, but I'll try to control my mood-swings. That's all.

Bye~ (:

~*~
RIP my sister's beloved hamster...

2011-04-30T08:06:00.000-07:00

2011-04-29T23:55:00.000-07:00

No matter how difficult it is, I will choose to smile. (:

2011-04-26T07:01:00.000-07:00

ME:
you think people avoid you is because of your looks.. but NO. it's because of your shitty attitude

and you still havent given me an acceptable answer by now.

why you can tell joyce cannot tell us?

or did you even bother thinking?

SHERYL:

i said alr what

but idk why you dont understand

ME:

then you can bother explaining till i get it right?

im telling you why you dont have friends now is cause you never treasure them

serves you right

:D

SHERYL:

i guess so ..

i'm not staying anyway ..

haha

ME:

staying for what?

and there's nothing funny abt this

SHERYL:

i'm not intending to stay in sg ...

ME:

hah

then where can you go?

without an o level cert, where can you go and study?

SHERYL:

somewher but sg ?

ME:

pssh

SHERYL:

i'm going overseas ..

ME:

dont be naive

you at least need an o level cert

SHERYL:

after secondary school la

ME:

oh puhlease.

if you cannot even make friends in sg,your own homeland..

what makes you think you can make friends in other countries

where some of them might be racists against singaporeans?

SHERYL:

idk .

ME:

if you never improve your attitude... you're just in for another experience of bullying

SHERYL:

things just seem better on th other side

ME:

and that'll be the case

SHERYL:

like th saying

ME:

please.

SHERYL:

th grass is always ongreener on th other side ?

ME:

dont tell me that i never warn you of your present situation now.

i told you. you never listen

and when you go overseas

100% guarantee you'll get bullied

Some people will never learn their lesson. As the saying goes, "A leopard cannot change its spots."

And Sheryl, my dear, you never learned, and you still never refuse to change.

I'll just watch upon your downfall then. (:

2011-04-22T09:21:00.000-07:00

If Grandma's condition is stable for the next 24 hours, she'll be able to leave the high dependency ward and transfer back to normal ward. WEE~ (;

THATS GOOD NEWS, like finally.

Didn't do much homework today, and I'm not gonna be doing much tomorrow either. Sighs. So much for studying for Midyears. =.=

Recent tests results have not been good, I must buck up, and yet, my homework is still not completed. SCREWED as always.

THINGS TO DO:

1) Chemistry worksheets

2) English letter

3) Buying Nena's present

4) Amaths and Emaths paper.

In other words, I really don't have time. Man. This sucks. I hate studying.

~~If only I was smarter....~~ I AM SMART! I WILL CHOOSE TO BELIEVE SO!

Those chio and sexy 5 men never fail to brighten up my life.. (:

Jesus, I love you.♥

Thanks for the AWESOME-ST miracle ever.

2011-04-21T07:11:00.000-07:00

My grandmother is in critical condition now. Apparently she coughed up some blood and is now warded into what high dependency ward. Okay. I don't get what shitty hospital term is that but all I know is things are starting to turn serious.

I'll be praying, and I'll be believing, and I will not give up.

The best I can do now is to study hard, and make my family proud. (:

2011-04-20T07:49:00.000-07:00

I WILL GO THE DISTANCE! (:

2011-04-19T07:25:00.000-07:00

I should start studying now, I know. But I seriously got no mood. Haha. Oh well.

Yilian's message for me : Stay strong. Now, I really don't know. I studied freaking hard for the bloody Chemistry test, and all I got was 16/25. (to people who got lower than me, I'm sorry.)

Heck man! Chemistry is the only science I can score in, and yet? NOT EVEN A FREAKING A! FML! ==

Nothing's been right from the start. I better start doing something about my already fucked up life or I'll suffer in the end. Yup. O levels. Those bloody two ominous words.

Grr.. Haven't been studying so far. I better work out a study plan soon. I cannot afford to not study, I'll be the last in the class at this rate. I WILL WORK HARD, or at least die trying.

Somehow, I prefer the dying option. :D LALALA!

OKAY! TMR STUDYING WITH YILIAN! JIAYOUS!

It'll will the first time I'm studying in weeks. I really hope I can get down to work fast. I've already missed a lot due to SYF. I cannot afford to miss anymore.

I must do it! JIAYOUS!

Faking cheeriness is not that difficult, I suppose. All you have to do is plaster a smile, brace yourself, and breeze through everything like it didn't mean a thing, when it meant the world to you. Yup. Definitely not difficult.

Save You

2011-04-18T08:03:00.001-07:00

Take a breath
I pull myself together
Just another step till I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

When I hear your voice
Its drowning in a whisper
It's just skin and bones
There's nothing left to take
And no matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you

(Ahahaha)
If only I could find the answer
To take it all away

Sometimes i wish i could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
(Oh)
I wish I could save you
I want you to know
(Ohohh)
I wish I could save you (oh)

2011-04-18T07:14:00.000-07:00

Worry turned to anger can be pretty scary. I don't know but I'm irritated with everything these days. I know friendships are slipping away from me, and yet, I ignore those and keep holding onto one that will just lead me to my doom.

On days like these, I really feel damn misunderstood, like nobody really understands me. On the other hand, I haven't really been letting anyone in. Man. I don't feel like thinking.

Somehow these days, the only people I'm really talking to are Si En and Yi Lian. Don't ask me why. I used to tell Shimin everything, but I guessed after the whole Sheryl thing, I just didn't want to say anything. Honestly, I'm afraid that anything can ruin the friendships between us now. It is that fragile. Michelle's too.

I missed the old times man. I rather be complaining about Chuan Jie and cursing him to the depths of hell. I rather do that. Anybody can swop with me?

Life goes on, that I know. But how long will it take before I finally break? That I don't know.

Fragility.

Where's my strength when I need it?

Where's my resolve?

Where is me?

Inner Strength

2011-04-17T05:25:00.001-07:00

Today, went to Si En's house and did project with Nena, Peiyi, Liwen, and Shimin. LOL. Laughed a lot at Nena's ridiculous actions. She can light up a whole room man!

After the bloody SS project, went down and played badminton. For once, I could say that I played pretty seriously. I focused all my concentration on the shuttlecock; it was a battle between me and it. Very soon, I was smacking like nobody's business, channeling all my helplessness and anger towards the shuttlecock.

I hate it. I hate seeing my grandmother suffering and not being able to do a thing. Yesterday, when I went and visit her, my heart almost broke. She was just lying there, unmoving. I walked towards her, a lump in my throat. She couldn't even see me. Her eyesight was failing her. I could only remain silent as my father attempted to lighten up the atmosphere by telling her jokes and stories.

She remained unresponsive, unblinking. My father finally chose silence as he massaged my grandmother's legs. My grandmother just stared blankly ahead. Finally, she spoke in Hakka that she wanted a drink. As my father was massaging her, I realised it was my job to bring the cup to her.

I looked at the straw that laid ominously next to the pearl-white cup on the saucer. I didn't want to be reminded of what Si En said, of how her grandfather had to drink water from the straw that was inserted into the cup cause he was too weak. But in my heart, I knew what was the straw for.

My hands were trembling, and my palms were clammy. I took the cup and pressed the straw to her mouth. After she drank her fill, I placed the cup back on the saucer. I knew then that she was way weaker than before.

Looking down as I didn't want her to notice my tear-brimming eyes, I suddenly spotted that her whole hand was reddish black. I couldn't bear to ask. Somehow, I knew the answer. Blood clots. Damn those diabetes. Damn it.

I studied it in Biology, I knew what was happening to her, and why it was happening to her. But even so, there is nothing that I can do for her, NOTHING! Those hands that used to hold onto me tight when I was crossing the road to prevent me from danger, those hands that wiped away my tears when I fell, those very hands that welcomed me with unending love.... They are now covered with needles holes due to the blood drawing for testing.

I guess there's a limit to what I can take. The whole atmosphere in the hospital was overwhelming me and I could bear it no longer. It literally smelled of Death itself. I took some money from my dad and went down to the kiosk and bought some Chinese newspapers for my grandmother, all the time smiling like an idiot cause it was the only thing preventing me from crying.

Throughout the whole journey, I plucked my earphones in, and band music blasted from within. It was the only thing keeping me sane. After making three big rounds around the whole hospital block, I finally made it back to my grandma's ward! Big accomplishment!

Somehow, I wasn't really thrilled to see her weak and frail body again. It was gradually killing me inside. Dinner time then came, and it was the same dishes once again. However, she ate ravenously with no complains as she was very hungry, having puke out her breakfast earlier.

But a few minutes after she finished her dinner, she puked everything out again. I stood there, while my uncle, aunt and father buzzed by, anxious to tend to her needs. Time was a blur, and everything faded out of my sight. All I could hear is the sickening retching noise, the sound that totally drove me insane.

My hands were quivering, and I saw the tears glistened in her eyes as she struggled with her body which seemed to have a mind of its own. Once again, being the coward that I am, I fixed my eyes onto the ground, and tried to pretend that I was in a happy place, disillusioning myself.

And as abruptly as it started, it stopped. Silence filled the air and after a while, my father asked me if I wanted to leave. Unable to stand seeing my grandmother suffering and yet helpless to do anything, I readily agreed. I wanted to get out of that place fast. It was like a pre-cemetery.

On the way to the bus-stop, I guessed God finally answered my prayers. My father told me of my grandmother's condition. The story went like this, my grandmother was in Yishun when she fell. Now for those of you who don't know, a fall could literally mean death to diabetic people as their bodies need a long time to heal the wound.

But my grandmother, being the smart person that she was, managed to call for help on her cellphone. My aunt was of course horrified when she received the news, and she immediately sent my uncle to pick her up. Then, my grandmother was officially admitted to the hospital.

At first it seemed like no big deal; just patch up her wounds and make sure that it heals properly, until the doctors discovered something. Due to certain reasons, the blood was not flowing to her right leg and thus it was very weak. Then they realised it, she had a weak heart and thus the blood flow was not good, making her very weak.

They took out some blood from her and did some blood tests. If the results were positive, they would operate on her. As the blood flow in her right leg wasn't good, they decided to balloon the blood vessels in her right leg, so that more blood can flow through.

My father's eyebrows creased in worry when he said this and immediately, I knew something was wrong. Pretending that I was very brave, I asked him how high were the risks. He said that there was a risk as my grandmother's heart was very weak. Communication ceased between us that instant. We both were preoccupied with our thoughts.

I knew then why my father kept hearing sermons every night. It was to reassure himself that my grandmother was going to be okay. I was rendered speechless and could only sought comfort in my band songs. We spoke nothing to each other.

Finally we reached home, and I just dumped my bag on the floor and closed my door shut. I didn't feel like saying anything. Worry clammed my mouth shut. But as Mr Tan always says,"Life goes on."

Haha. Then I took the phone and called Si En, telling her I was going to her church. TADA! And just my luck, her church had to show some film about the small boy dying. Death. It seems to be everywhere right? Never gonna go away...

In May, my grandfather will be going for an operation for his leg. Meanwhile, he will be alone at home as my grandmother is in the hospital. This made me think. Is it right to go band now? Yes, I do wanna go band, but my family needs me now more right? Shouldn't I put away my selfish desires and help out in my family instead?

Last year, due to my greed, I died without seeing my hamster for the last time. I do not wish to repeat the same mistake again. No! I would never make the same mistake again.

I WILL BE STRONG! I CAN DO THIS! :D

2011-04-16T07:16:00.000-07:00

Visited my grandmother today. (like finally!) Seeing her.....

Oh well. I'm sure she'll be alright in the end, right? It's the only thing I can do now, I have to keep believing.

Midyears are coming, and I'm really not in the mood to study. Lalala~ I AM SO SCREWED. Lol. Lagging behind Amaths and Chemistry, and I freaking don't wanna learn Amaths. Sometimes, even I myself wonder why I take Amaths when my maths isn't good.. Retarded, eh?

Sighs. I really have to buck up now. I MUST DO IT. (:(:(:

STUDY!!!!

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I'm pretty sure I still won't study in the end. :P

2011-04-16T00:36:00.001-07:00

How to save a life when it's not yours to begin with?

2011-04-15T05:50:00.000-07:00

Not in a good mood recently. Went to band today, had no feelings of happiness. Screwed biology spa up, had no feelings of sadness. Numb, so that's how it feels.

Feelings overloaded, I no longer wanna think. Sometimes it's easier pretending that the end isn't coming, isn't it? I'm now a fan of self-denial. My O levels results are not going to be good, I know. But I really can't concentrate on my studies.

Emo, depressed? No... I don't really feel that. I mean, if I'm feeling all those I would wanna cut right? But I totally have no intention of doing that. Yup. No intention.

Yilian told me to not over-analyze my feelings, but I can't help it. I don't get WHAT THE HELL am I doing with my life now, I really don't. What do I like, what do I love, what do I even want? Who am I? GREAT. Just great. Now I don't even know who I am.

Sighs. I was complaining to Yilian today, about you. And she said, "By saying that, you've already given up on her." Have I? Have I really given up on you? Please, please, I implore you, I beg of you, tell me, WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO GIVE UP ON YOU? Why?

Why can't you trust me? WHY CAN'T YOU EVEN PROVIDE ME WITH AN ANSWER WHEN I CONFRONT YOU?! Why are you not honest with me? Why are you always hurting me?

.........

And why am I always waiting there like a fool....??

I tried so hard to chuck you aside, but I realised I couldn't. That day, I let you hear those two songs, hoping to get through your thick skull what I was trying to say, but I guessed you don't know do you? I ~~was~~ AM trying. Even by typing this out, I'm still trying to reach out to you.

Please, face facts. Nobody likes you. Once, I already told you, learn to identify your TRUE friends and your FAKE friends. I warned you about her didn't I? And yet? In the end, you still trusted her more than me......

Am I that difficult to trust? For THREE YEARS, for three whole freaking years, I waited for you to open up to me, but you didn't. Instead, you went and tell people who don't even share the same bond we had, your secrets. What are you trying to tell me? That I mean nothing to you?

Sometimes, even I myself wonder, is it my fault that you become like this? When Shimin first told me about your true colours, I refused to believe. Three years later now, I can safely say that I still believe that you can be saved.

Nobody is bad from the start, that I believe. Nobody turns into attention-seekers for nothing. I talked to you, I opened up to you about everything, and yet? I still get nothing in return, only good memories haunting me forever.

You want us to be like how we were in sec one. You want this friendship, and once again, I believed you. Once again..... like the fool that I was.....

Shimin is right, we'll never be friends again. Friendship work both ways pal, you can't expect it to fall from the sky.

Look, even my sisters warned me about you, and I still stuck with you. When you were crying over some ugly guys, have you ever thought who was there to wipe your tears? Your "friends" or your FRIENDS?

You don't treasure me, nor Yilian, nor Michelle, but you have the cheeks to keep telling me you want to be friends?

And why am I even typing this? Have you ever thought of it? Really..... have you ever thought of what I did for you??

WHO DEFENDED YOU WHEN YOU WERE INSULTED?

WHO WIPED YOUR TEARS WHEN YOU CRIED?

WHO PREVENTED YOU FROM COMMITTING SUICIDE WITH PANADOLS?

WHO STUCK BY YOU ALL THIS WHILE?

Who is the fool now who is trying to knock some sense to you.......

YOU. TELL. ME.

I don't wanna complain about you to my friends anymore. You're not worth it. I'm getting more and more fed up by the minute. I totally wanna rip my heart out; the part that contains you, and throw it back at you. It would be better if I had amnesia though. Hell more convenient.

Those two songs I say once again. Listen to them carefully, and tell me your answer. If by the end of the month I do not receive your answer, I'll just watch this friendship die. Yes, I'll probably might not be able to do that, I'll probably be tempted to try and "save" you again, but trust me on this, with every time I try, the dimmer our flame of friendship gets.

I may be softhearted but I think that there will come a time when my heart can never take your nonsense anymore, and when that time comes, the tables will be turned. For every hurt you've caused me, it's engraved in my mind. So pray hard girl, that the flame of our friendship will not die completely, for if it does, a volcano of enmity will erupt, and I will have fun watching you suffer.

But even saying this, I know that I'll still be like how I was before. It's okay. I'll admit it. I'm a secret masochist. To all those curious about the two songs, here are they:

*I'm tired of pretending that nothing's wrong. Will you guys stop it too? If you're worried, then just say so? Why pretend? It's not like by pretending it'll go away. Why can't you understand? I HATE it when I know nothing about the situation. Don't you think I have the right to know? Maybe I'm just kicking up a huge fuss over nothing, and it's probably this case. But I don't know why, even though this is not the first time my grandmother is admitted into the hospital, this is the FIRST TIME I'm feeling afraid. So if you're hiding anything from me, I'll get real pissed. But please, please, just let her be alright. Amen.*

The only way to get stronger is to confront your deepest fears and overcome them.

STUDYING - STUdent DYING

2011-04-13T06:55:00.001-07:00

Stressed out by studies these days. Amaths test, 50 marks, and I didn't even do 25 marks worth of questions. In other words, SCREWED. :( sighs.

The recent Chemistry test didn't help either. I studied the day before, and yet, it still seemed like Arabic to me. @-@ Totally don't know how to do, and Chemistry is SUPPOSED to be my best science. Damn. -.-

Now I really miss band. I want my tuba. T-T

TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA! TUBA!

I want it now. When were the days when I could slack all day man.....?? I really miss those times.

MAN, I HATE STUDYING!

AHHHHH!!! D:

Get It Right

2011-04-10T03:49:00.001-07:00

2011-04-09T08:53:00.000-07:00

MICHELLE ONG

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

You're old now!!!!!! HAHAAHAHA!!

SEE YOU TMR! :D:D:D

Interesting day~

BYE.

It's too late for regrets.

2011-04-08T03:21:00.000-07:00

SYF.

It's over!

After hearing the recording, I realised that tuba section did not do well. I was really hoping a Gold, and I thought we did well, but I realised we did not. From the judge's point of view, we were really not balanced. Sucks man. I feel it's as though tuba brought the whole band down. WHY?! TT

The woodwinds are really good, damn obvious from the recording.... And like I predicted, it was really lower brass who brought the band down. No wait. It wasn't. It was the tuba section. Fucking shit.

If you ask me, "Are you happy to have gotten a Silver?"

If I'm not close to you, I will reply back, "Yes."

But if I'm not, I would have told you that I'm not happy. We had the potential to get Gold, and yet? We were only Silver. Sucks. Really sucks to the max.

Feeling extremely sad now. Sianz. We screwed everything up. DAMN! TT

My section played wonderfully, but their section leader didn't. Regret.

2011-04-01T07:58:00.000-07:00

In 6 more days, our judgment day will come.

In 6 more days, all our hard work will be put to a test.

In 6 more days, SYF will be here.

In 6 more days, band will be out of my life.

In 6 more days, I will need to say goodbye to my instrument, TUBA.

So tell me, why am I looking forward to SYF again? At first, I was really very very happy and wished that I could faster step down. But now, maybe because I finally realised I have to part with MCB and my tuba, I feel very reluctant. Man. Now I'm getting sentimental over myself. ==

But seriously, MCB taught me a lot. It taught me to appreciate the arts, it taught me that not only the melodies are important, but the bass is equally as important too. I've learnt that every good performance comes with a great effort, and that with practise, anything and everything is possible!!

From a Secondary 1, all the way to a Secondary 4.... Man. I feel nostalgic and sad. Okay. Let's stop here. I also haven't step down yet, think so much for wad? HAHA! 6 days later then publish a happy post bah... hopefully its a HAPPY post. HAHA.

I tried to smile when I talked about you, but I guess it's never possible until the day my heart no longer misses you.

-Be Strong, Delta Goodrem

2011-03-26T07:25:00.000-07:00

Are you swimming upstream in oceans of blue?
Do you feel like your sinking?
Are you sick of the rain after all you've been through?
Well I know what you're thinking
When you can't take it
You can make it
Sometime soon I know you'll see

'cause when your in you're darkest hour
And all of the light just fades away
When you're like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of gray
Well hang on and be strong

Where taking each step one day at a time
You can't loose your spirit
Let live and let live forget and forgive
It's all how you see it
And just remember keep it together
Don't you know you're never alone

'cause when you're in your darkest hour
And all of the light just fades away
When you're like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of gray
Well hang on, and be strong

No you're not defeated
And soon you'll be smiling once again
Then you won't have to feel it
Let it go with the wind
Time passes us by
And know that you're aloud to cry

'cause when you're in your darkest hour
And all of the light just fades away
When you're like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of gray
Well hang on and be strong

Mayflower Concert Band will bloom like the roses, slowly, and beautifully....

2011-03-25T07:50:00.000-07:00

Love is the most beautiful of dreams
and the worst of nightmares.

-William Shakespeare

Sometimes, when one ignores a person, it is simply because she does not wish to give the person power to hurt her ever again.

After all, everything that she trusted turned out to be a pack of lies.

Life is nothing but a web of deceit.

2011-03-24T03:33:00.000-07:00

CIP? Is it really only in CIP that we reach out to them, and talk to them? I don't know. Observing the surroundings from the sidelines, I find AWWA to be pleasant and welcoming. Indeed, those elders there no need people there to help them, what they need is a companion for them to talk to, a friend.

After my hamster's death, I swore not to have any regrets in life, and yet, I still lack the courage to reach out to those that I love. Pathetic.

Death has been looming on my mind these days and I don't know why. I just keep thinking, what if XX dies, what will I do? What if YY dies before I get to talk to him? What if I'm rob of even the chance to say goodbye? This thoughts, were embedded in me ever since my hamster death.

I didn't get a chance to say bye to my hamster; it died with its eyes open. Hell, I wasn't even there! I was at some stupid Social Studies competition which I volunteered for, all because I wanted the I-touch. Now I know, greed ultimately kills.

I still blame myself for my hamster's death, and I can't help but think, when it was running out of breath, was it waiting to see me? Was it hoping to catch a last glance of me before it departed? Was its eyes opened cause they were struggling to see me? Was it?

It sickens me that at that exact moment when it was dying, I was probably laughing and enjoying myself. I was enjoying, while it was suffering. How cruel can I be? I'm an undeserving owner!

I hate myself. That's a fact. In fact, I hope I'll just suffer and rot for the rest of my life. Yup, that is probably a good idea, a VERY good one.

Now that SYF is coming up, I can honestly tell you that I am freaking worried as none of the people in my section are ready, including myself. This makes me wonder again. Why am I the section leader? I PLAY THE LOUSIEST IN MY SECTION!!! I'm not exaggerating.

Whatever it is, Mayflower Concert Band better get Silver for this SYF. If Mayflower band never get Silver, I can sorely take the blame, after all, the main problem with this band is that it has a weak lower brass section, and who is their section leader? Pathetic ME.

And I have no rights to be angry with Junrong actually. Maybe, if I was given the same position as me, I would probably tell my friends too. So what right do I have to be angry at him?

NONE!

What Junrong did was wrong, unforgivable, and yet, somehow I think I deserve it. Okay, I know I'm weird.

Shall end this EXTREMELY WEIRD drabble with this one sentence then.

TREASURE EVERY MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE, NEVER
LEAVE SPACE FOR REGRETS.

Misplaced Trust

2011-03-21T08:00:00.000-07:00

Am I angry? Yes.

Am I disappointed? Yes.

Am I pissed? Yes.

Do I feel betrayed? To a certain extent.

Can I trust him again? Most likely not.

How do I feel right now? Like I wanna crash immediately onto my bed.

Yes, all I feel is fatigue right now. I'm still angry at this whole shit, but now, I really don't have the energy to do so. SYF is just 16 days away, and yet, Mayflower Concert Band sounds like shit. How to maintain our silver? I won't even talk about Gold, since it's impossible, but our silver? SILVER?!

I don't know. I mean, even Mr Tan's giving up, and I don't know what I'm holding onto either. It's like among the whole section, I seem to be the weakest now. I got no stamina, not enough breath, sucky tone quality.... EVERYTHING JUST SUCKS TO THE MAX. (Oh goody, where's the middle fingers?)

I'm worried that Mayflower Concert Band might not get Silver. If Mayflower really drops around 20 years of Silver down, then I really should be blamed. No, strike that, I should be killed! As a section leader, I lack discipline, determination, and optimism. Why am I the leader again?

I don't understand it. HOW AM I EVEN QUALIFIED TO BE A LEADER?! Anyway now, all I'm praying for is for Mayflower Concert Band to maintain the Silver. If only my prayers can move the heavens......

Silver.

A word that means the world to me now.

2011-03-19T09:22:00.000-07:00

HUAYI'S BETTER THAN MAYFLOWER.

I don't get why the Huayians apparently got this "We just got owned" mentality after hearing us play. Are you guys freaking deaf? Can you not hear the wrong notes, the out of tune ones, and lastly, the intonation??

Seriously man. But I gotta admit, Mayflower woodwinds damn strong. LOVE THE CLARINETS. OMG. THEIR PLAYING SUPER GOOD!!! ^^ So happy, lol. So touched.. HAHA.

But I honestly think the brass section damn weak. Maybe not the french horns la, but the lower brass, ESPECIALLY the lower brass.. DAMN WEAK!! Sad.

My section, Jason's tone quality damn nice, but not tonguing and concentrating. Timlin's sound is throat sound. Fathin play so MUCH better than me, remind me why am I the section leader again?

Seriously man, I feel damn inferior la. HUAYI IS LIKE WAY BETTER THAN US? I sit with Huayi I also don't dare play. ==

SO STOP THIS BULLSHIT ABOUT HUAYI BEING LOUSIER THAN MAYFLOWER. WE ONLY OWNED YOU IN WOODWINDS. THATS ALL.

Man, I feel retarded pointing out the obvious.

2011-03-18T07:12:00.000-07:00

Feelings are not meant to be toyed with. You want a toy, go buy a fucking Barbie!

Fucking pissed off. I don't care who spread this freaking rumour that I like Chuan Jie in Huayi band but seriously, stop it. It's enough when I see his face and know that he REJECTED me and thus is feeling awkward with me. I NO NEED THIS TO RUB IT IN.

Just because I don't show that I'm hurt doesn't mean I ain't. I just chose to ignore it. I mean, one must learn to deal with it, right? But to have this kind of rumours spreading around. It hurts okay? Knowing that they can just remain as rumours forever, it fucking hurts.

So whoever out there who is enjoying a kick out of teasing me and Chuan Jie, well, find some other way to tease him, cause feelings are not meant to be toyed with. It's okay if you tease me with a person whom I don't like, but it's not okay when I like that person and got REJECTED.

So please, find something else entertaining to do. I'm begging you.

2011-03-17T05:14:00.001-07:00

TO SHIMIN:

Regarding Sheryl, I won't say anything more. Yes, it is HIGHLY possible that she won't treasure the chance that I give her, and I AM sorry that everytime I fall apart due to her, you are the one who stayed and picked up the pieces; the broken pieces of me.

But would you understand if I said that I can't live without her? Cause oddly enough, I don't seem to be living. Without her, I feel lost, aimless. If there is a reason why I give her this chance, then it will be because of my own selfishness, not because of whatever noble reason you thought of.

I can't live without her. She has been an irritating friend, I know, but I cannot lose her. Yes, I have cursed her a thousand times, and up till now, the hurt has not totally vanished, but I can't help but forgive her. I know this might seem foolish and naive, but I can't stop believing.

You say that we will quarrel again, and honestly, I don't doubt the truth in your words. However, for now, at least for now, I'm happy. Isn't that enough? I want to preserve happy memories with her, that's all I want. I know, this path is tough, and most likely, it will only lead to another path of hurt, but, even if it is only in that fleeting moment that I feel happy, I am satisfied.

Thanks for your concern, both yours and Tingwei's. I know you guys just want the best for me, and I know that the problems will just repeat itself, but for now, try to be happy for me?

I know, probably out of everybody, only Tingwei, and you understand how torturous this friendship had been, and I know you guys don't want me to suffer anymore. But how about this? If it makes you guys feel better, think of me as a masochist. Maybe I just enjoy the pain?

I don't know. I feel bad for forgiving Sheryl and disappointing you and Tingwei.

But please, don't make me regret my decision.

TO SHERYL:

I have only one word for you.

TREASURE

2011-03-16T04:48:00.000-07:00

I"m very prideful, so I won't admit to myself, not even when I see you hurting, not even when I feel an odd sense of emptiness that no one can fill, yes, not even then will I admit the truth.

I miss you.

I miss all those insane times we used to had together.

I miss our friendship.

FUCK.

WE WILL LAST LONG. THANKS EVERYBODY.

(:

2011-03-13T05:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I get irritated by myself. I don't get how I can be so stupid. I don't get how I can even get into a triple pure science class. Out of all my friends, I think I have the most supportive parents regarding band.

My parents, they're very good to me, like really very good. Yes, initially they did not want me to join band. But after I showed them that my mind was made up, they understood, and they supported me. Even when I brought home my tuba without telling my mum, she would just let me into the house with some nagging.

When I wanted to buy a keyboard, she allowed me, even though it was quite expensive. Whatever I wanted to do, she allowed. She knew that my studies are dropping, yet she understands that I don't want tuition at this point of time as I don't want it to clash with band practices. She told me to sign up for English tuition after SYF.

So sometimes I really wonder, why am I so stupid? Why can't I get good results for once? It's like no matter how hard I try sometimes, I still get shitty results. I listened attentively to English lessons, and yet? I got a F9 for it. How am I going to go to any school at this rate?

I don't want to disappoint my parents, nor do I want to disappoint myself. Like really man. When I told my mum I want to go to Huayi to practise, she just grumbled a bit but she didn't say anything else. Sometimes I also wonder, what did I do to deserve such parents?

I know that the only thing that makes them really happy is if I score well for my exams. If only I could score good results, damn. I can still remember their proud faces when I showed them my good results in Secondary 2. When I entered triple pure science, those ecstatic faces of theirs.

In fact, my parents didn't want to rear hamsters at first, but because of me, they allowed. And when my hamster died, my mum cried the most, though she still worried about me if I was too sad. Because of this, I still feel very guilty. Hah. When I think back upon how I insisted my parents on rearing the hamsters, even though I think finances were very tight at that time, and yet they indulged me, I feel very guilty.

I disappoint many, my parents, my sisters, my friends, my hamster. If only I wasn't like that, haha. I want to make my parents proud of me. I want them to feel happy. If only I can do that...

Disappointment. Loneliness. Hell. Depression.

Stupid forever.

2011-03-12T10:01:00.000-08:00

Thoughts. Emotions. Man, feeling damn emotional after reading this stupid.. no, not stupid, EXTREMELY GOOD book. The impact was so great la, then I didn't know I was crying till I saw the tear drop on the book. Haha. This means that it is a good book, okay?

Slept after coming back home from church, SHIOK!! And well, I don't know but in church today, they showed a video that really touched my heart. Suddenly, I recalled what Shimin asked me.

"Why do you still treat Sheryl as your friend?"

And now, I finally have the answer to this question. It's because I believe that there's something in her worth saving. Hah. After searching for the answer I was struggling to find, I finally found it. Now, I'm satisfied.

Oh yeah. I suddenly remember that I'm supposed to curse those two thingys, lol. I promised colourful vocabulary too. Oh well. Here goes.

One thingy is a thing which has no gender since it likes to shove people around and break the rules of the game. It lost its own dignity.

The other thingy is a thing that idk. whines like shit? Apparently, it didn't know that running behind a swing is dangerous, how retarded can it be!

So yup, end of complains. :D

Swing, swing, swing.
Swing all the troubles away.

2011-03-12T01:58:00.000-08:00

These days, I've noticed a lot of people being depressed about band. A lot of people, including me, have been speaking bad things about band. Somehow now, I feel differently.

I do think we can maintain our silver. For once, I can actually express faith in band, haha. Even though my tone quality is dropping, even though my skills are getting lousier, even though I can't even maintain my note now, I still believe we can get silver.

All this faith came from this reason. If we don't believe in ourselves, who will? Even though I think that I will still lose faith in band once in a while and criticise it like shit, I think that in the bottom of my heart, I will still believe in band, and not just any band, but Mayflower Concert Band.

My 4 years, I've spent it in this school. Now that this is my final year in Mayflower, all I feel is I can't wait to leave this school. But I do feel a sense of loss too, a loss regarding band. But it's okay. Things happen. Changes are made. But life goes on.

I do wish that my juniors will buck up and learn as much as they can from me. But at least they're trying, and that makes me happy enough. (:

You know, since Junrong said that my blog sounds like a composition, I shall tell you guys a story. A true story that happened before.

"Once upon a time, there was this lovely princess who loved playing the flute a lot, but later died of cervical cancer."

JUST KIDDING!

Now back to the true story..

In Ang Mo Kio Secondary, band is considered the best. Thus, the school tends to sponsor band a lot and neglects other CCAs. Out of all the performing arts, Modern Dance is considered as an underperforming CCA and thus the school is bias against it.

And so, the time for SYF came. Similar to our situation now, the juniors had no idea how serious SYF was and kept fooling around. They refused to practice their dance steps and did not listen to their seniors. The seniors were thus very depressed as they could not get their juniors to practice hard enough to attain SYF standard. Being a silver medal CCA, they wanted to preserve their medal! But all hope seemed to be lost.

Then the day of SYF came. The dancers went up on stage, not fully prepared for it. And sure enough, they got Bronze.

Now the morale of this story is, what you reap is what you sow. If you practice hard enough, you would get the desired result. After all, it all boils down to practice.

BUT, the story doesn't ends there.

Upon hearing the news, the seniors cried like mad. In their hands, the silver medal had fell and they felt really bad about it. Suddenly, as though the sadness and depressed atmosphere enlightened them, the fun-loving juniors kept quiet. Then they said this, that made the seniors cry even more.

"Don't cry seniors, don't cry. We'll get back the silver medal at the next SYF so don't cry. Just wait for us. We'll get the medal back."

Nice of the juniors to say this, right? When my sister told me this, immediately, this came to my head.

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Yes indeed, the results did not matter anymore to the senior dancers. Their juniors had finally matured through the experience and learned the lesson that they had been trying to teach them. That was all that mattered. The climb.

Needless to say, the seniors and juniors truly bonded after that session. (: Though I don't know if they really got silver for the following SYF. Haha.

Anyway, I hope that everybody will feel inspired by this story. Good luck for SYF, people. (:

2011-03-10T07:48:00.000-08:00

Deciding to ignore my homework, I went and researched on all the bands performing on the same day as us. Yup. You heard that. ALL.

So here I am now. Haha. Typing out everything for everyone to see. (:

Firstly, there is 1 Gold With Honours Band performing on the same day with us, and that is no other than....

ST PATRICK'S SCHOOL!!

As for the 2 Gold Bands, they are:

1. CHIJ Secondary (Toa Payoh)

2. Zhenghua Secondary

The 5 Bronze bands:

1. Northland Secondary

2. Chestnut Drive Secondary

3. Fuchun Secondary

4. Queensway Secondary

5. Kent Ridge Secondary

The rests are silver bands, with the exception of Broadrick Secondary which is a COP band. Basically, the order is as shown below.

ORDER OF SCHOOLS PLAYING IN SYF 2011(7 April) & AWARD IN SYF 2009

1. Northland Secondary School Bronze

2. Bendemeer Secondary School Silver

3. Anglican High Silver

4. Pei Hwa Secondary School Silver

5. Bukit Batok Secondary School Silver

6. Fajar Secondary School Silver

7.Woodgrove Secondary School Silver

8. Chestnut Drive Secondary School Bronze

9. Zhenghua Secondary School Gold

10. Fuchun Secondary School Bronze

11. Queensway Secondary School Bronze

12. Kent Ridge Secondary School Bronze

13. Commonwealth Secondary School Silver

14. Mayflower Secondary School Silver

15. CHIJ Secondary(Toa Payoh) Gold

16. Loyang Secondary School Silver

17. Guangyang Secondary School Silver

18. Broadrick Secondary School Participation

19. Woodlands Ring Secondary School Silver

20. St Patrick's High Gold Honours

21. Westwood Secondary School Silver

22. Admiralty Secondary School Silver

The numbers are just to label how many bands are performing on that day itself. Yup.

THATS ALL! (: nights everyone.

2011-03-04T23:43:00.001-08:00

Here's my conclusion about Sheryl, written in the clique blog.

TACTICS!!

Much thanks to this anime.

Thank you for finally opening my eyes, thank you for giving me the answer I needed so much. Thank you.

As everyone knows, recently, our clique have been really really broken. I wouldn't put all the blame on that person, even though she has some fault to bear. But after I really thought about it, I realised that the main problem started out with just one word.

TRUST

It's that simple really. I don't trust Sheryl, and Yilian. Yilian didn't trust the rest of the clique, same for Sheryl. But, I believe in Yilian now. I don't know why, but I would like to try again, between me and Yilian. Well, I guess you guys already knew that. (:

That's not the main point though. You see, I realised that among the whole clique, I seem to one of the rare ones hesitating regarding Sheryl. Yilian reached her conclusion with her a long time ago and so has Shimin and Tingwei. There's only Michelle and me left. But today, after rewatching the final episode of Tactics, I suddenly came to a realisation.

In this part, their friend, Suzu, was a ghost, and Kanatarou, the protagonist, was an exorcist. He wanted to exorcise her, even though Suzu was their friend. Knowing full well that she couldn't see them if he put the charms on the walls of the house, he still went and do it. Thus, their common friend and demoness(good), scolded him.

Youko, the demoness said, "Kan-chan, you're running away from it. Same goes for Haruka matter. You're running away from it! You're deceiving yourself because you have no courage!"

Sounds familiar, huh? It's real similar to my situation with Sheryl. Those words that she scolded him, it felt like they were directed at me, but, it didn't end there. After Kanatarou got scolded by Youko, he went to a restaurant to sulk.

His friend, a courtsean said,"Do you want to dance?"

Kanatarou: "I can't dance."

His friend: "You wouldn't know without trying, would you?"

Kanatarou: "I know already, I can't dance."

His friend: "You haven't changed a bit, too much thinking going on your head. Saying 'can't' or 'won't before you even try. That won't get you out of the tiny shell you've wrapped yourself in."

And the last sentence that she said that really impacted me...

"I understand that you want to protect yourself, but in doing so you may be hurting someone."

Yes, indeed. I know that I'm hurting Sheryl, and yet? I take pleasure in it. I want to hurt her. I want her to have a taste of the pain I feel every single time. I want her to suffer as much as I did, or maybe even more. I've turned into such a disgusting creature that I can't even stand myself.

I don't have any reasons for doing this to Sheryl, I really don't. All those that I said, they were all excuses, and excuses are not reasons. I was just running away from it all. I didn't want to face reality. I just wanted to stay in a cocoon of hate that I've prepared for myself, and hoping that one day, I can emerge as a strong butterfly, without resolving anything. I hoped that it would die down on its own.

Sheryl, all those things that I said to you, they were not lies. I believe in you, although I cannot trust you. I treat you as a friend, even though I badmouth you. I love you as a friend, and hate you sometimes too.

“跟他在一起的回忆越好，就越难放手。”

Devi told this to me once, and I totally agree with her. It's the memories between you and me that prevents me from letting you go. It's those good memories that's haunting me, cause they're telling me, they keep telling me that if I try hard enough, we'll be that close again. They keep telling me, that we can have a proper friendship through effort. They keep telling me to be your friend again.

But, if you think about it, I could never let you go as a friend. Maybe that's the bad thing about me. To me, once a friend, always a friend. You and me, we had too many good times together, and that in it is a mistake itself. It's a mistake cause now it's causing me and you to suffer so much, it's causing us both to cry for no apparent reason, cause even if we don't want to admit to each other, we do miss each other. We miss this friendship we once had.

You once asked me,"Do you trust me?"

I replied back,"No."

But you should have known, if I had no trust in you, then I wouldn't be feeling betrayed right now. If I did not expect anything from you, then I would not feel disappointed now. If I did not treat you as my friend all this while, then I wouldn't be feeling sad, and crying when no one's looking.

But I don't want to be like those previous times. I no longer want to give chances. What's the point if you don't treasure them and we end up hurt again? In the end, I'll still accept you back, so I see no point in giving chances, cause even if you don't treasure your chances, to me, you're already a friend in my heart forever.

Every single time, I'll just get hurt again, and I always wondered, why do I even bother to try then?

Again, this mysterious anime Tactics revealed to me the answer.

"Friends will always try to get close to each other."

It was then that I realised, that all this while, I've always treated you as my friend.... all this while..

No matter how many times we get hurt, we will still keep trying, cause we are friends. That's what I finally realised.

But you know, I read this somewhere too, but I forgot where. It said this,

"Trust cannot be easily repaired after it is broken, not that is impossible. But if the person cares enough, he'll work hard to earn back your trust, and show to you through his actions that he can be relied upon."

So Sheryl, what I'm saying is, show me, show me through your actions that you can be trusted, and that you and I can have a friendship again.

And if, if I find myself trusting you again, then that will be the day that this friendship is repaired and that we're truly friends again, without any secrets, any betrayal.

I look forward to that day.

-amelia

2011-02-25T06:42:00.000-08:00

On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don’t know why I’m still surprised

We used to be that good... Such close friends...Then everything fell apart...

Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you’ll always be my hero
Even though you’ve lost your mind

You'll always be my friend... Even though you're insane...You taught me how to be happy, and really let myself out to the world, by being a hyperactive bitch...

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

But you lied, again and again... And I trusted you, again and again, like the fool I was..

Now there’s gravel in our voices
Glass is shattered from the fight
In this tug of war, you’ll always win
Even when I’m right

You won.... I lost... I was hurt more by this game of friendship... All along, it was nothing but lies and deception..

‘cause you feed me fables from your hand
With violent words and empty threats
And it’s sick that all these battles
Are what keeps me satisfied

I wanted to maintain this friendship so badly... I believed in your lies again and again, knowing full well that they were just nothing but empty promises...

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

And the lies happened again... Like a broken recorder... It keeps repeating itself..

So maybe I’m a masochist
I try to run but I don’t wanna ever leave
Til the walls are goin’ up
In smoke with all our memories

I know that I deserve so much better than you. I tried to let you go, but I couldn't. I couldn't let go of this friendship. I guess there were too many good memories lingering around... If only I could burn those memories down..

This morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face
Smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction
Hush baby, speak softly, tell me I’ll be sorry
That you pushed me into the coffee table last night
So I can push you off me

Punch me... Kick me... It would be better than the pain I feel now..

Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
Run out the room and I’ll follow you like a lost puppy
Baby, without you, I’m nothing, I’m so lost, hug me
Then tell me how ugly I am, but that you’ll always love me

Physically abuse me... So that I can use that as an excuse to leave you.. Please, slap me awake...

Then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
Destructive path that we’re on, two psychopaths but we
Know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backs
That we’ll have each other’s backs, ’cause we’re that lucky

Together, we move mountains, let’s not make mountains out of molehills,
You hit me twice, yeah, but who’s countin’?
I may have hit you three times, I’m startin’ to lose count
But together, we’ll live forever, we found the youth fountain

Our love is crazy, we’re nuts, but I refused counsellin’
This house is too huge, if you move out I’ll burn all two thousand
Square feet of it to the ground, ain’t shit you can do about it
With you I’m in my f-ckin’ mind, without you, I’m out it

I need you, in more ways than one...I need you now...

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

And in the end, I know I'll probably accept you, lies and all, cause'

I LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE.

Song Lyrics taken from Love the Way you Lie by Rihanna.

2011-02-23T07:15:00.000-08:00

ADORABLE HAMSTERS!!!

I'm resting in progress, DO NOT DISTURB.

HOHOHO!! ^^

*munches* *munches*

COUCH POTATO?! lazy!! *^^*

*squeezes* THIS PLACE IS MINE!

HAMSTERS ARE CUTE! Hahaha. (: Love them.

COMMON TEST IS FINALLY OVER!!!!

Phew! Though I think the result will be "beautiful", haha. Screwed? :P

Whatever man. It's OVER!!

:D

2011-02-19T07:25:00.000-08:00

CONVERSATION:

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
*sth i said that i forgot*

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i alr told shimin what

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
is shimin me?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
you cant tell joyce, but you cannot tell us

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
you can tell yilian, but you cannot tell us

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
wtf is wrong with you?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
fine.

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i'm sick of this alr.

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i never FORCE you to open up okay?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i figured out that you will feel BAD keep secrets to yourself

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
you know, everybody has a limit?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
I JUST DONT GET IT!

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i really dont.

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
WHY ARE YOU LIKE THAT??

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
and can you reply me?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
you also havent finish .

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i choose not to say is because i really dont want to be under pressure

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
joyce dont give me pressure

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
yilian dont give me pressure

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i dont mean anything

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
so we give you pressure?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
its not it la

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
then what are you trying to say?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
what i'm trying to say is .

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i didnt tell you all at first , is because i wasnt sure of it yet

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
yet you could tell yl and joyce?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
dont be lame

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i dont want to do things i regret .

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
they knew of it after i was sure .

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
and yet we didnt know...

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
you never intended to tell us... i saw it

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
you lied..

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
hah

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
yes

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
so this is our friendship...

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
nothing but lies.

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i didnt intend to let you all know at all

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
it's okay... this time..

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
cause i also lied.

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i dont like km...

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
it's obvious

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
no... i still like km..

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
cj*

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i just wanted to see your reaction..

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
and you went and cut..

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
NOT BECAUSE OF TH KM THING !

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i have to clear this up

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
th cut wasnt because of th km thing

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i swear

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
it wasnt

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i know..

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i feel even more weary hearing that

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
why?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
why are we like that?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
it was because of an insult

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
why cant we be normal friends?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
why are we lying to each other?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
you know something ,

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
tell me, cause idk

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i'm tired... real tired..

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
but idk why, i just cant let go

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
YOU TELL ME WHY?!

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
WHY ARE WE LIKE THIS?!

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
ALWAYS STUCK IN SQUARE ONE?!

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
cause this friendship has no trust at all

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
why do we always quarrel?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
then?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
you dont trust me , i dont trust you

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
forget it man... i'm tired... i dont want to analyse the reasons why we become like that

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
where are we going on from now on?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
you're hurt, and i'm hurt

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
how many times have we gone through this ?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
exactly

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
if you ask me to give up.... some part of me never will

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
idk , you just dont want to tell me things

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
idk la ,

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
dont blame it on me.. really

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i'm just feeling so complicated over this

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i'm not blaming you

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
maybe you had your reservations

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i had mine too

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i told you everything.

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
the only thing that you dont know abt me is that i lied that i like km

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
thats all.

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i dont have reservations when it comes to you.

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
maybe the others have... and if they did, it's none of my business.

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i tried so hard to make this work... but it just wouldnt

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
because of this friendship... i've learnt to hate, learnt to love, learnt to cry...

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
and learnt that sometimes silence is the best thing of all

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
now... tell me..

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
what do you want?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
yes at first when i heard it... i was mad pissed.

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
but now... i'm just weary

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
like really weary...

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i also dont know what i want now

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
a lot of whys are running through my mind now..

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
why did you tell joyce abt the clique's internal conflicts?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
why did you not tell us?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
why are we like this?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
since when did i tell her about it ?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
why is it that no matter how hard we try, we still lost?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
shimin looked at your whole inbox..

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
dont lie.

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
man.. i really hate lies..

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
and it was by accident ?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
wtf

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
please la..

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
seriously , wtf .

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
the first was really an accident

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
which was the nicholas one

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
then what ?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
then i guessed she realised

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
then she started to see...

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i think

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i dont know

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
MAN!

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
you see

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
you and shimin have your own issues

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i dont care

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
you and michelle and tingwei have your own issues

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i dont care abt that

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i'm selfish

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
NOW IM ASKIN YOU ABT US

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
YOU AND ME

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i dont wanna talk abt others.

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
at least it proved that i didnt lie to you .

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
you did.

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i said i will never cut because of km

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i didnt

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
you lied to me abt the reason you cut

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
but look... it's fair... i lied to you that i like km as well

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
so whatever.

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i just dont understand

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
what will become of us right now?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
you say that you feel distanced from the clique..

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
but do you know? you distanced yourself.

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
we didnt...

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
you walked away....

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
and we got tired of waiting.

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
you and me, we used to be good friends

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
so i really dont know why we become like this.

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
backstabbing each other behind our backs...

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
this is really lame

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
and i really dont wanna think about it anymore.

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i tried to make our friendship better

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i tried to make it last, make it work.

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
but in the end, it would never work.

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i really dont know what to do now

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
to try again, knowing that it will be just another heartache?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
or to give up, and regret not trying?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i really dont know

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
but enough of me ranting

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
this friendship is not abt me also

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
say what you like

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i ask you something .

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
if i ask you to keep a secret . will you ?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
from th clique

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
idk why , but why do i have this feeling that you're keeping things from me ?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
idk , maybe its just me .

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i really dont want to know too .

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i really dont understand why you'll feel this way too

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i hate you sometimes, you know that

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i really never keep anything from you.

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i dont understand , i also dont want to understand

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
what do you mean by that?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
my feelings , i mean

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
to answer your question

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
it depends on the secret.

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
if i feel that the others should know also... then most likely.. i would tell

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
or encourage you to tell

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
and if i think the reason why you're not telling them is valid

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
then i wont tell them

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
idk la ,

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i dont know how to say

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
its just too complicated .

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i really dont want to .

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
complicate things

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
you are really a pro

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
making me cry over things that i didnt know i could..

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
pro

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
even cj also cant do that

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i ask you , do you treat everyone of th clique fairly ?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
why is our cllique so extreme ?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i just dont get it .

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
why are there so much lies and betrayal ?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i mean ,

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
youu and me apart

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
why must this web and lies form our clique ?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
we never did.

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
we really never did

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
you sure ?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
are you sure

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
we lied.. duh.. we do lie to each other.. sometimes..

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
but we trust each other

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i trust michelle and she trust me

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i trust tingwei and she trust me

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i trust shimin and she trusted me

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i used to trust yl... and she idk

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
you and me...we used to trust each other..

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
but now we arent

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
if i told you i liked nicholas and ask you to keep it a secret , will you ?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
no

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
you know , everytime i like somone , and i regret telling them ,

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
my friendship with that person just dies .

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i really hate it

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i dont want to lose them

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
but in th end ,

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i lost

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i lost , totally .

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i ask you something

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
did michelle tell you anything ?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
either you or th clique or anyone

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
abt wad?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
just say

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
about th clique

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
which is?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
she got tell me sth

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
but i want to hear what you have to say

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
nvm

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
dont care about that

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
all these just make me so afraid of telling anything .

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i just wasnt to stop being afraid

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i just wantto*

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
and..?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
we're making you afraid?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
no

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
its all these freaking lies and stuff

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
then why do we lie in the first place?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
you guys are my friends ,

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
why would i be afraid of you

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
but its just that ,

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i dont want to live in this lie , this facade anymore

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
and?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
what exactly do you mean by that?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
cause i dont want to live in lies and deception anymore

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
neither do i .

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
who wants to ?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
then?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
what do you want of this?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
cause everytime... every single time... we're still back to square one

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
you think im keeping sth from you

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
when im not

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
you dont trust me

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
and i dont trust you...

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
so where are we going with this?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
friendship always start with trust ,

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
since you dont trust me , and i dont trust you ,

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
so why not ,

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
we get to know each other again ?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i really want to cancel out all th lies

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
and shit

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i dont like it

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
we'll just end up getting hurt..

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
we did it before.

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
the reintroduction shit

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
but we .... we still end up the same

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
what makes you thinl it'll work now?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
think*

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
cause i really dont want to hear lies , i dont want to feel afraid , i dont want to suspect , i hate all this .

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i hate all of it

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
ALL

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i dont want to go on lying , or hear lies ,

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i realised that only yesterday ,

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
after th talk with yilian

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i really shouldnt go on doing this shit .

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
what did you guys talk about?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
telling th truth

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
haha..

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
truth

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
truth

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
YOU GUYS TALK ABOUT TRUTH?!

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i said alr ,

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
HAHA

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
if you dont believe me , then fine .

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i dont know what else to say

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
but you lied.

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
after yesterday

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i didnt

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
how am i supposed to believe you anymore.

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
I TRIED YOU KNOW

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
tried so hard to believe you

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
tried so hard to make this work

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
that i got so similar to you

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
until i couldnt differentiate what was me and what was you

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i asked a lot of ppl... what's the diff between me and you

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
eveybody's replies mattered..

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
but cj's one mattered the most

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
do you know what he said?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
make a guess

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
our attitude ?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
he said that we were different... but he couldnt pinpoint exactly wad..

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i asked him.... is the difference good or bad?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
he said... good for you... bad for me..

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
then immediately.. he changed his words

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
and say im not bad..

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
and that everybody is equal

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
heart? breaks once again

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
why is it good for me ?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
wait

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i dont wanna know

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i tried so hard , but you all see it as rubbish .

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
only yilian saw .

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
that's why i trusted her a lot

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i know she wont spill

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
as for joyce ,

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
it was because i was closer to her in class .

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
that's why i said

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
wait

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
dont say anything first

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
why is it good for you? I DONT FREAKING KNOW. ask fucking cj.

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
and i did see..

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
i told shimin... dont you feel that sheryl is improving?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
idk ,

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
shimin said nothing.. just smiled.

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i just change totally

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
but you see nothing

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
idk what i'm seeing is th truth a not

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
we saw your efforts... but we didnt know that we had to ACKNOWLEDGED it

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
no ,

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
wait ,

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
idk what i am seeing

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
then open your eyes

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
maybe , my subconcious mind is thinking that its rubbish .

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
that's why , maybe i'm thinking , that i am rubbsih

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i dont know ,

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
all this is getting so . messed up .

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
you..

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
what exactly are you lacking?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
what exactly do you need?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
why? why? why?

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
so much whys..

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i know for sure , what i'm lacking

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
and that is?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
th courage

amelia(: always keep the faith says:
the courage for?

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
fuck it .

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
not in a good mood ,

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
-_-

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
wait till i'm calmeer ,

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
i'll tell you

-Sheryl- SEAFOOD FAMILY! says:
bye

This marks the end of our conversation, and I truly feel like shit now. Are we friends? Can we even be friends? This is just so complicated, and I don't know what to do anymore.

And once again... I cried over this broken friendship..

2011-02-18T06:08:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHIM CHANGMIN!!

YOU ARE FREAKING SEXY&CHIO! ^^

PLEASE EAT MORE & STOP BEING ANOREXIC!!

GOOD LUCK FOR YOUR CAREER!! (:

LOVES!

Today, I found out some truths. You were never gonna tell us, were you? Sighs. I should have expected. Since when did you even open up to us anyway? Yeah, it's my fault, who asked me to expect so much? The higher the expectations, the greater the disappointment. I have nothing to blame but myself. My foolishness still forces me to treat you like a friend though, even up till now. Bloody heart! I'm tired man, so damn tired of this nonsense. When will this stop?

DEDICATED TO SHERYL HO JIA MIN.

2011-02-15T06:43:00.000-08:00

49 DAYS TO SYF.

252 DAYS TO O LEVELS.

make it, or break it.

I'LL GET YOU ONE DAY, YOU JUST WAIT!!!
I thought I was over you, but in the end, I wasn't.

Talking about our past memories, I figured that all along, I was the fool.

I thought my feelings were reciprocated, talk about being foolish.

Hah! To be honest, I missed our friendship but being like this now, I'm way happier.

Studies makes me stress, but it helps me to not think of you.

I thank it, profusely.

And if it makes sense, the thing I miss the most is not missing you.

2011-02-12T07:47:00.000-08:00

Dedicated to all DBSK fans out there.

A valentine's gift from me. Hope you enjoyed it.

(:

Always Keep The Faith.

Jaejoong stared at the pieces of papers he held onto and sighed. If he handed in the papers, Changmin would ignore him. If he handed in the papers, it would probably mean the end of his relationship between Yunho as Yunho had not agreed to this. That would mean doom for him. In fact, all that he stood to gain from handing in the papers was freedom, but was freedom worth sacrificing love?

Catching Jaejoong hesitating, Yoochun laid a hand on Jaejoong's back and whispered. "We've come way too far to back out now, you know it."

"But.."

"Hyung, just hand in the papers." Junsu grumbled impatiently from behind.

Without a choice, Jaejoong handed in the papers. Dooms day was near.

The next day, it was flashed all over the news and media. Jaejoong, Yoochun, and Junsu, the three members of TVXQ had sued SM entertainment for an unfair contract. The whole SM company was in utter chaos as many fans called in demanding an explanation and reporters called in wanting an exclusive interview. SM thereby ordered all five members to remain in their apartment as they waited for the situation to die down.

However, the chaos outside was nothing compared to the tension brewing inside the apartment. A fight was about to break out.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Yunho commanded in cold anger as he threw the newspapers against the trio. "We could have work something out."

"Work what, hyung?" Junsu replied. "You and I know that nothing would work better than a lawsuit."

"You didn't even try!" Yunho shouted. "You just destroyed DBSK by suing SM. We tried so hard to gain this level of fame, and now it's all ruined by you three!"

"How can you blame us?" Yoochun screamed back. "We are only seeking for our own freedom. Is that a crime?"

Yunho's eyes flashed dangerously and he threw a bowl of rice on the floor in anger. "By breaking apart DBSK to gain your so-called freedom, it's a crime!"

With that single crash, the argument ended. By then, Junsu's and Yoochun's eyes were already brimming with tears of anger. Without a word, they got up and left the house quietly, slamming the door on their way out.

Yunho sighed and sank into the sofa tiredly. Rubbing the skin between his eyes, he tried to alleviate the headache he could feel coming on soon. Jaejoong took a quick glance at Yunho worriedly before leaving the room to join the other two. It was best to leave Yunho alone at that point of time.

Finally, after three minutes of silence with Changmin who had chose to remain silent all this while, Yunho asked the question that was burning on his tongue.

"Why didn't you join them? I'm sure that they asked you."

Silence was his answer. Thinking that Changmin had not heard his question, he looked up to Changmin, thinking of repeating his question, until he caught something welling up in Changmin's eyes, something glistening.

"Changmin ahh." Yunho said gently as he stood up and hugged the youngest in his arms. "Don't cry."

"I'm not crying because of the quarrel just now." Changmin mumbled between hiccups. "I'm crying because I saw everything on that day."

Shocked, Yunho pushed Changmin away. "You saw? Everything?"

"Yes." confirmed Changmin. "I'm so sorry, Hyung."

Yunho remained speechless and he seemed to be in another world while Changmin explained everything.

"I was walking by the room as usual. Jaejoong-hyung was wondering why it was taking you so long to talk with Soo Man-shii. He wanted me to go and hurry you up. I walked towards the room where you both were in and I saw it. Him beating you up for every mistake we made, whether it was for an out of tune note or a wrong dance move. I... I-'m sorry, H-yung."

Yunho simply pulled Changmin in and resumed the previous embrace while Changmin cried his heart out.

"I couldn't bear to leave." Changmin said after he recovered himself and broke the embrace. "I knew they would punish you for it. If we left, I know that they would use it as another excuse to beat you up so I tried to persuade the others. But they wouldn't listen. They just wouldn't."

Yunho stared at him in disbelief. "You told them?"

"No, no. Of course not." Changmin said in horror as he reassured Yunho. "I couldn't let your pride be more destroyed. I saw, hyung. Things that I was not supposed to see, things that were meant to be hidden. I saw more than I intended to."

Yunho said nothing in response but gazed longingly at the door which Jaejoong and the others had just left an hour ago. Picking up Yunho's thoughts, Changmin reassured him.

"Jaejoong and the rest still loves you. They won't hate you."

"But I said all those horrible words just now, Changmin-ahh." Yunho whispered as he avoided Changmin's eyes in shame. "I said that their lawsuit broke us apart, when it didn't. How could they ever forgive me?"

"You were in anger. Words said in anger shouldn't be taken seriously."

"Changmin--"

"Shh.." Changmin shushed Yunho and passed his cell phone to him instead. "Call them, then apologise. You'll see. Things will work out just fine."

Accepting the phone hesitantly, Yunho punched in the numbers he knew too well. The phone rang for a few times before it was picked up.

"Hello?" Jaejoong said politely into the phone.

Hearing Jaejoong's voice, suddenly, Yunho could not say anything. Tears clogged up his throat as he recalled what he had said earlier. How could he ever have blamed Jaejoong, Junsu and Yoochun for breaking DBSK apart? It wasn't their fault.

"Yunho." Jaejoong concluded after hearing deep breaths from the other end. "Aren't you gonna say something?"

"Sorry." Yunho forced the words out of his throat. "I can't believe I said that. It was never your fault, not Yoochun's and Junsu's. I... I just wasn't thinking straight. I was just too angry, and I..."

Yunho broke off at this point as silent tears flowed down his cheeks. How could he say those words? He was already breaking DBSK apart by saying it!

"They don't blame you, Yunho. They know it was just words of anger, so stop crying." Jaejoong comforted gently.

"I....just...come back. Come back please. I need you."

"You foolish Yunho. Just open the front door and you'll see us there."

Although he thought it was impossible, Yunho opened the front door anyway. To his surprise, Jaejoong, Junsu and Yoochun were indeed outside. Changmin who was sweeping up the broken pieces of the rice bowl saw them and smiled widely in greeting.

"You... you... How?" Yunho was rendered speechless upon seeing them. How could they have been outside all along?

"Simple." Jaejoong answered his question for him. "We never left."

Suddenly, Yunho's face turned pale. "You heard what Changmin said?"

"We've always known, Hyung." Junsu said with tears in his eyes. "That's why we wanted to leave with you. We thought it would allow you to escape from here forever."

"Junsu..." Yunho was touched beyond words. "Yoochun... Jaejoong... You guys.."

"Hey. Don't start tearing up now." Yoochun teased as Yunho was about to cry once more. "We wouldn't want our strong leader to start crying would we?"

"Oh shut up." Jaejoong slapped Yoochun's shoulder playfully. "Can't you see he has been bearing it for so long? Let him let it out."

Just then, Changmin joined the four after disposing of the broken pieces and begin tickling Yunho unrelentlessly.

"Hey! What's that for?" Yunho laughed while he cried.

"FUN!" Changmin exclaimed and begin attacking Junsu. Junsu then attacked Yoochun who in returned attacked Jaejoong. A tickle fight thus ensued and the whole room was suddenly filled with the five's laughter and joy.

Finally, after awhile, they all slumped down on the sofa in exhaustion as sweat dripped down their eyebrows. Yunho broke the silence first.

"Guys, I decided you're right." Yunho said.

"About?" Jaejoong questioned.

"Suing SM."

The others looked up at him in joy. Could he mean--?

"I'll hand in the papers tomorrow," Yunho decided. "with Changmin's."

"Hey! I never said I was going to sue." Changmin protested.

"As if you could leave us." Junsu said.

"At least I'm not an annoying dolphin." Changmin retorted back.

"Changmin!" Jaejoong chided. "Manners."

Changmin merely sticked his tongue out at Jaejoong shamelessly before resuming insulting Junsu.

"I swear, Yunho," Jaejoong grumbled. "Changmin's getting ruder each day."

"Oh come on." Yunho said as he kissed Jaejoong on the lips. "Ignore him. He survives by insulting the hell out of people."

And all five of them laughed at Yunho's comment. It was true that Changmin loved teasing people so much that he would probably have died without it. It was just like how much he loved food, the same logic.

Soon, tiredness gradually crept up to the five men and it was decided that all five would retire for the night, and go to their beds and sleep. As usual, Yoochun would be sleeping with Junsu and Changmin would have his own bed. And needless to say, Yunho and Jaejoong would share the same bed and cuddle each other to sleep.

And in their hearts, a common thought surfaced before they drifted off to sleep: they are DBSK and they would not break that easily.

THE END.

2011-02-11T05:19:00.000-08:00

BLOOD! PAIN!

You lied, once again. Why can't I stop believing you? Why can't I? Why can't you stop lying? You think this is protecting me, by hiding the fact that it truly affected you? Well, then you're wrong, dead wrong. I feel so fucking pissed right now I could kill you. And for once, I really wanna do it.

You disappoint me time and time again. Why? Why can't you stop it? I really don't understand. What's so great about that ugly guy? Why is it worth to cut yourself because of him? Yes, I know he's comforting, he's warm and he's caring. Hell, that was what attracted him to me in the first place, the feeling I get when I talked to him, as though I could talk to him about anything under the sky.

But still, how could you do this? You told me that you would not do something as foolish as this again, but yet? You did it the next day. What is your problem? In fact, what's inside your fucking brain man? And the fact that you can break your promise with him, does he mean so little to you? HUH?! You answer me!

I'm fucking irritated by all this nonsense. Everytime I trust you, this is what I get. Well, fucker, listen up, I'll not trust you anymore. IDIOT!

P.S. Chee Han sent his greetings to you, fucker. He wish you well.

2011-02-10T05:28:00.000-08:00

LOVE THIS SONG! MUAHAHA. And even if it states there DBSK, be reminded that there's only Yunho and Changmin inside. Further details, I won't say anymore. Haha. You wanna know what happened, you go Internet and research yourself. Internet is a very useful tool these days, I heard.

Hmm... Got back qualifying tests results, and surprisingly, it's good. Okay, maybe not fabulous, but at least I PASSED all my tests, so whatever. Haha. Unconcerned attitude. :D

Maybe everyone's positivity is finally rubbing off me, or maybe I'm just plain happy, but I feel more optimistic than before. This is the time, I think, when I can finally say that I'm contented.

Oh, I know that I said that I wanna break off all relations with Huayi, but I realised that there's no point. Haha. Why should I sacrifice my friends just to forget him. It makes no sense! So yeah, I shall stop talking nonsense.

GOD LOVES ME! (:

and that's enough...

2011-02-08T06:33:00.000-08:00

DBSK, ALWAYS AS FIVE!

Always Keep The Faith. ^^

GO CASSIOPEIA!!!

It's time to be strong and focus on things that really matter instead.

P.S. I will do a picture spam of Yunho for his belated birthday once I have the time. GO YUNHO!

MEANWHILE....

YUNJAE!! xoxo

2011-02-04T09:27:00.000-08:00

There are things in life that I'll regret doing, and there are things in life that I will not regret doing. You know, after complaining so much about my section, about band and my studies, I realised I felt even more sad, not released as I expected. It's damn weird.

Today is the second day of Chinese New Year but somehow, I don't feel happy. All I've been doing for this Chinese New Year is eating, drinking, and then eating some more. I don't feel a single ounce of happiness at all. In fact, I feel empty inside, like someone reached inside of me and scooped everything out. Weird, really weird.

Well, life is full of weird things. I mean just today, I was talking to my sister about stuff I never imagined I would tell her. For once, I actually told her about stuff that really mattered to me, stuff that really plagued me, and even though her advice wasn't practical, it really cheered me up.

I was complaining about the section to her, starting from the tuba, then all the way to the euphonium. She patiently listened, and then she gave me her advice: just tell everyone to fuck off. Okay, not useful advice, but still, it's nice to hear. :D

Sighs. My sisters, they're really weird, lol. When I talk to my oldest sister, she'll tell me lots of practical advices, but none that she did for herself. When I talk to my older sister, she'll give me lots of impractical advice, advice that are not feasible, but somehow it cheers me up more. Haha. I know, I'm weird.

But just today, I finally really admitted to myself that maybe, maybe I really am not cut out to be a leader. I can't control my temper, I'm irresponsible, I get angry easily. Seriously, I have no leadership qualities, at least I don't see any. But yet, I still got this post called the section leader, and now, I have to motivate others to believe in me, and believe in the band.

I can't tell you to believe in me, cause honestly, I see nothing to believe in. But you know, I really really want MCB to succeed. I don't care about the damn fucking medal anymore. Silver so? Bronze so? Yes, I obviously prefer silver, but get real! We can't get it. We're lousy, and we suck!

Those were my thoughts, until I realised that Mr Tan never once gave up on us. He never did. I always wondered why, why didn't he give up on MCB? Why didn't he? It was then that I recalled that his niece graduated from this band too, MCB. In that way, it actually formed a personal attachment for him.

What about us? What about me? What does MCB mean to me? After reflecting upon it, I found that I'm still unable to express how exactly I feel about it. So, I decided to use music to say how I feel. Below is the music that I feel expresses how I feel about MCB. I can't tell you how I feel, I really can't. Words just can't describe it. You just have to feel it.

And another video, that I was real touched when I watched it.

What Yoshiki said behind really impacted me alot.

"If you could have told me everything,
you would have found what love is.
If you could have told me what was on your mind,
I would have shown you the way.
Someday, I'm going to be older than you.
I've never thought beyond that time.
I've never imagined the pictures of that life.
For now, I will try to live for you, and for me.
I will try to live, try to live with love, with dreams,
and forever with tears."

2011-02-02T06:00:00.000-08:00

AARGGGHHH!!!!

I wanted to scold that Elizabeth girl so damn badly la... If only my damn computer will allow... ==

Sighs... And the quarrel was already over already... so yeah... Kinda lame... DAMN! I didn't even participate in it... Can't it last longer?? *unhappy*

I wanted to scold so badly la!! WHY?! IT WAS MY ONLY SOURCE TO VENT MY FRUSTRATION!!! damn..

Yesterday, sectionals sucked ttm.. Yes, I would use the words SUCK TO THE MAX. I won't talk about it anymore... I mean, what for? What's the point? Everybody wanna go their own way. I tell you to do this, you give me one thousand and one reasons why you can't do it. What for? Why can't you just listen to simple instructions?

And as for you, how can you give up on your own junior? What is this? WHAT IS THIS MAN??!! Seniors giving up on juniors, ignoring juniors and not caring about their mistakes, or if they even bother to practice. SERIOUSLY MAN, DO YOU EVEN WANNA GO FOR SYF??!!

How can Mr Tan take it? I really don't know how he can take this. I, for once, am really going crazy. I'M DAMN PISSED OFF LA! SUPER! I just can't forget the sound when I conducted sectionals... I really can't forget it.

Whose fault is it? Me, the section leader's? Or who? Seniors? I don't know. All I know is, I'm damn fucking pissed and my limit is reaching soon. I really had enough of this nonsense. Either you work hard, or you don't. You play it Mr Tan's way, or you bloody fuck off.

Seriously man, what is so freaking difficult about listening to what others want for once?? ==

Damn.. And I CANT even vent my bloody anger on the shit girl... Elizabeth shit... DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!

==''

JUST FUCK OFF MAN, THE LOT OF YOU!

~~那一句我爱你始终没说出口。。。~~

2011-01-29T04:47:00.000-08:00

YOU DON'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT

Being at the exchange, it really made me realised something. It doesn't matter how well you play. You only have one chance. Do or die.

I've always thought that it was not possible to play well. I thought that the Japanese were of a higher level than us, and that we will never be able to attain their standard. However, after hearing Yuying, I am forced to admit that I'm wrong.

They're good, damn bloody good. I can clearly hear the difference between December and now. Seems like MCB's the only one not progressing huh? After hearing Yuying play, I couldn't bear to hear the other bands, I just plugged in Sheryl's phone and started to hear Taishan.

As I totally tune out my surroundings and focus on Taishan, I instantly understood what Mr Tan meant when he said we can get a gold on this song. The song is just so beautiful! The rhythm, the tempo, and the melodies... I fell in love with it all over again.

That's what good band songs can do to you. They make you love it again and again. Everytime you hear it, it's a different experience, a different feeling. Man, I almost cried la. I don't know why also, but it was like I finally feel the song. Finally.

It's too late to do anything but my best right now. I haven't been giving it my best shot, and I am freaking pissed at myself for that. Who's to make up for the lost time? NOBODY!

SYF, it's really do or die.

Oh yeah, and to the only Huayi band member, if you happen to be reading my blog, today Huayi's playing is really bad, but I know you'll do better next time. Just remember, don't panic!! YOU CAN DO IT!

~~and up till now, nobody knew that I was lying and I still am btw.. guys, just stop trusting me.~~

2011-01-28T05:03:00.001-08:00

I detest lying to myself, and even more so to others. All I can say is, I'm sorry.

2011-01-27T06:42:00.000-08:00

School life is really killing me, and it doesn't help that you're in the supposingly BEST class of your school. I feel stupid. Everyone else are like so smart, only me. I don't get any shit la. Worse still, my used to be best subject turned out to be the worst in sec 4. And it doesn't help that my ionic equations got called CMI. So much for Chemistry being my best subject. ==

Fuck everything sia. Fuck the qualifying tests, fuck my results, and fuck the fact that I don't get physics, AT ALL! Seriously man, everything is pissing me off, and we're only talking about studies here.

CCA, worst tuba player in section, and I'm the SECTION LEADER! Zai, right? I hate it sia. Why I cannot tongue fast enough? *sorry Junrong* Why my tone quality not good enough? AND WHY DO I SOUND LIKE SHIT??!!!!

Damn damn damn damn. I NEED TO DESTRESS before I go crazy. *takes deep gulps of air*

DBSK!!

♥

My only source of destress right now. Even band's stressing me out. Sighs. I just freaking hate life.

Your actions really makes me think that you're a retard on top of a bitch. You think we're the only ones unhappy? No, we're not! And yet, you simply removed us from your friends on Facebook, the ones who chose to voice out their unhappiness. Well, get this, fucker, I also don't wanna be your friend, and it should have been me who removed you, not the other way round. BITCH! And to think that I thought my anger at you has dissipated.

2011-01-26T02:56:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAEJOONG!!!!!!!!

Please be with Yunho always, and remember...

YOU'RE PART OF TVXQ!!

YUNJAE!!!!

YUNJAE!!!!

YUNJAE!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JAEJOONG...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JAEJOONG...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JAEJOONGIE~~~

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JAEJOONG!!!

WOOTSSSS :D:D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUNHO'S DEAREST JAEJOONG!!

STAY HAPPY FOREVER!!!!

and since you can't see your leader-shii now...

HE'S HERE...

I KNOW YOU LOVE IT...

YOU'RE WELCOME!!

NOW HURRY UP AND GET BACK TOGETHER

ALREADY!!!!

WE MISS YUNJAE!!! xoxo

2011-01-23T06:06:00.000-08:00

早知道提起你我还会哭，我就不会说了。明明说好不哭了，为什么我还会暗暗偷泣呢？我真的很失败，对不起。早知会落到这种地步，当初就不应该把你带回家。

他们说，时间会让人忘记，但我总觉得我被骗了。时间不但没有淡忘一切，反而像是在一道伤口，深深地提醒着我失去你的感觉。

想念真的是一个会呼吸的痛，如今我终于了解了。虽然我还是像个正常的人活着，但我心里仿佛已经死了，能呼吸又有什么用？

我觉得自己像个傻瓜般，怎么学也学不会放手。我真的很笨！

2011-01-22T01:30:00.000-08:00

I was just coming back from church alone, and I just thought, what defines leadership?

What must a leader have? What must a leader do? What is expected of a leader? All those questions just kept popping in my mind.

Let's use Yunho as an example then. He's the leader of DBSK, a k-pop group, and I really admire him. I think he's a great leader. He always look after his members, making sure they're safe and well-fed, motivating them when they lose their faith, he's just cool. And the point is, people listen to him. The members listen to him, and respect him as a leader.

Another example, Yoke Ching, the ex-ex section leader of MCB tuba/eupho section. She also motivates me to practice without scolding or ranting. She gains respect from her section members, us, and we listen to her. Whatever she commands, we do and don't question. So, I was just thinking, how did she manage that? How could she do it?

What it takes to be a great leader, I have my own interpretation. In my view, a leader should never cry in front of their members. If your juniors or the people you're going to lead see you crying, they will feel disheartened themselves and will not be motivated to practice.

Also, I think leaders should be able to do whatever they asked of the people they're leading. If you want them to do it, you gotta show them that you yourself can do it. If you cannot do it yourself, then how can you expect others to do it? It'll be unreasonable.

Leaders should always bear in mind that they're leaders, and with great power comes great responsibility. To me, being a leader doesn't mean that you're not allowed to make mistakes. Humans are not perfect. Everybody makes mistakes. But being a leader means admitting your mistakes, apologizing for it, and moving on. That is true leadership in my opinion.

Everybody can go around and say they want to be a leader, but can they do it? Can they live up to the high expectations and handle the crazy amount of stress? Being a leader is not easy, it really isn't. Imagine smiling on the outside when all you wanna do is cry. Imagine telling others it'll be okay when you know it really isn't gonna be. Imagine pushing yourself to your limits while others don't appreciate your efforts. That's what it's like.

Though that is said, I believe that leaders are chosen for a reason. You are chosen because people believe in your abilities, because you have potential. If that is not the case, then why are some people chosen to be leaders but some are not? Everything happens for a reason.

Leadership is never easy, but never give up. Once you give up, the fight is lost. I believe that every junior can be taught in this world. If one method doesn't work, then try another. If that one doesn't work either, then try others. Even if you have to try a billion times, never give up.

If you give up on your juniors, then your juniors will really die, so as a leader the first thing you must do is to never give up. Always keep the faith and believe in your juniors, and never lose the hope. Hope can do funny things to people; it can make you feel happy when it's there, but make you feel sad when it isn't.

But if you deprive yourself of the chance of even hoping, then the miracle obviously won't happen. Miracles comes from believing, and hard work. If you believe, miracles will happen.

Don't ask me why I type this random shit. I don't know either. I just hope that this reaches out to those already/up-coming leaders that are afraid or scared that they are not capable enough. In a way, it is for myself to read and not lose hope either. Remember, the worse thing a senior can do to a junior is to give up on them. No matter how rebellious they may seem, never lose the faith.

Sheryl, you are disheartened by Zhao Yi's attitude, and you think she will never improve, so you gave up on her. But you are wrong. See, take Jason as an example. His attitude sucks, and he is always not concentrating, but look at him now. Haven't you heard him practicing by himself when nobody asked him too?

You and Michelle were damn touched, I know. But what I really wanna drill into your head is that Zhao Yi can do that too. She is not unreasonable nor immature. In fact, she's rather mature and sensible. Yes, she may sound a little rude at times for her straightforwardness, but it's just her flaws. Everybody has them.

The only reason why Jason is like that now, I believe, is really not my credit to take. He wanted to improve his tuba skills, thus he practiced. It is that simple. Don't give me credit when I didn't do a thing. All I did was to keep believing, and he proved me right.

No junior is impossible to teach, just like how nobody is perfect. I believe in that and always will.

The tough part about being a leader is not the high expectations or amount of stress. It is to remain positive regardless of the adversities, motivate your members to practice, and to never lose hope.

That is what I think, makes a true leader.

2011-01-18T08:09:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY XIE SI EN!!!!
.
.
.
.
.

All the best for this year, and as a birthday present.....

YUNJAE!!!!!

♥

Always Keep The YunJae Faith...

P.S. I should be sleeping now. See, Si En? I purposely stayed till 12am to wish you a happy birthday. Thank me, kay? :P

~~I've learnt the art of tuning you out. Call me a genius or what?~~

EDIT!!!!!

Dedicated to Si En

Happy Birthday!

Oneshot:

Yunho fumed as he recalled Jaejoong's hands on Yoochun. They both were literally flirting in public for Pete's sake! Wild with jealously, he stormed out of the studio into the pouring rain outside. He knew Jaejoong was getting back at him for ignoring him for the past few months and it hurt real bad. But it was meant to be a surprise. He could not show it to him now. Damn Jaejoong for not understanding his heart.

Yunho was just in the middle of strings of curses when a car that sped by him gave him a holy shower. He was drenched from head to toe. Cursing his luck once again, he tried to wring the rain water out of his clothes but to no avail.

"Well, damn it!" Yunho bellowed as he kicked a can on the floor. "Kim Jaejoong, what exactly have you done to me?!"

He was just about to grumble further when he realised that unconsciously, he had walked from the pavement into the middle of the road. Because of his reckless actions, cars were forced to brake and the road was jammed. Sensing the growing irritation of the drivers, Yunho quickly stepped out of the way and dash to the pavement.

"DAMN YOU, KIM JAEJOONG!" He was lucky that today was the BIG day, or he would have really gone mad.

***

"Hey guys," Jaejoong questioned the three other members. "Have you seen Yunho?"

"He's dead."

"No idea."

"Do I look like Yunho's bodyguard?"

Three replies came back almost simultaneously and Jaejoong could only sigh. It was as usual. Nobody knew where Yunho went. Apparently, their dear leader-shii did not make it a point to announce his whereabouts. It has always been like that and he suspected Yunho was not intending to change that.

That bad habit is definitely going, Jaejoong thought. Yunho will just have to learn that people need to know where he is or they'll worry. Really, for a person who has dated and got dumped 5 times, he's real clueless about this kind of stuff.

However, Jaejoong's thoughts were abruptly broken when a drenched Yunho chose to make a grand entry by breaking down their new fixed door. Splinters flew everywhere and there was a hollow space left where the door once existed. Without even glancing at the rest of the three, Yunho dragged Jaejoong out of the room.

"There goes the door." Junsu commented unfeelingly. "How many doors is he gonna break before he finally understands that he can just open it?"

"Ha. He was just anxious to see his "BooJae". You can't really blame him, Su. Jaejoong was really driving him mad. Besides, you would have done that for your girlfriend too." Yoochun chuckled.

Junsu said nothing as his cheeks blushed a deep shade of crimson.

"I hope that Jaejoong won't think that Yunho is ignoring him on purpose though." Changmin said as he attempted to carry on the conversation. "Jaejoong has a rather wild imagination."

"Are you kidding? Jaejoong was damn glad when he saw Yunho!" Yoochun exclaimed. "That face of his, it was EPIC!"

***

Yunho pushed Jaejoong into an empty dance studio in the company and slammed the door shut.

"Now, dance for me the dance steps for Mirotic."

"What? Is that why you drag me here?" Jaejoong inquired, starting to get a bit upset. "To dance Mirotic dance steps for you?"

"If not? What can you do in a dance studio? Sleep?" Yunho replied sarcastically.

"YOU IDIOT!" Jaejoong bellowed. "After doing so much, you still haven't got it?"

Unstoppable by now, Jaejoong continued.

"You always treat your friends better than me, and yet, I'm your boyfriend while they're your friends. Are your friends more important than your boyfriend? I'm not asking you to choose between us, but damn it. TREAT ME BETTER, IDIOT!!"

Then Jaejoong stood there panting for breath while he glared at Yunho. That dense idiot!

"You could have just told me you know." Yunho said after Jaejoong finally regained his breath. "I don't like you making use of Yoochun and lowering yourself this way."

"Would you have listened?"

"Yes."

"Liar!"

"I'm serious. All this while, I wasn't hanging out with my friends as I led you to think."

Yunho then pulled something out from his pocket behind his back and passed it to Jaejoong. It was a beautiful handmade apron. Jaejoong's eyes widened when he saw the apron in his hands and his eyes misted over with tears. The word "YunJae" was sewed onto the apron and there were heart shapes strewn everywhere.

"Yunho..." Jaejoong spoke after awhile, tears of happiness leaking out of his eyes.

"Wait." Yunho put up a hand to stop him. "There's more to come."

With a clap from Yunho, the other three band members rushed into the studio, pushing a piano along with them.

Smiling towards the other three in gratitude, Yunho calmed his nerves down and walked to the piano. He adjusted the microphone on the piano and placed his fingers on the ivory white keys. Slowly, he begin to play the opening notes of one of their songs. Opening his mouth, he sang with his heart.

My love, now there's only one person in the world in my heart
You're the only one, always
Only you bring me hope
On the sad nights, shining like a star in the sky above

Jaejoong's eyes widen in recognition while Yunho's voice and piano playing continued to resonate throughout the whole room.

Reality never goes as well as I think it will (oh yeah)
I've always lived among lies and errors
That time, you suddenly opened the door to me
You came swooping down, an angel (yeah)

Cause you're my miracle Only you can change my future
My girl, though I love you very much, I can't convey my feelings well... I'm sorry

I'm growing afraid that someday, you'll disappear to somewhere
Leaving behind a single feather
Even so...even if I get hurt, you smile for me
And for your sake I'll go on living oh yeah

Though I wish everyday for this to last an eternity, it will go with the wind (maybe will go)
Even if I lose everything,
If you (just you), only you, are by my side
However bad the storm, I could get through it

Cause you're my miracle, I want a future with you for only myself
My girl, if these feelings reach you.. say your answer is 'yes'

That I was able to meet you on this vast earth, it's destiny
May these happy days continue on forever
For you, I'll search for dreams for us

Cause you're my miracle only you can change my future
My girl, even though I love you very much, I can't say it well
I'm sorry for that...oh
I promise you forever, only you... oh

The song slowly came to an end with the last few notes played. Touched beyond words, Jaejoong could only gaped widely at Yunho. Taking that opportunity, Yunho knee-led down on one leg and held out a ring box.

"Kim Jaejoong, will you marry me?"

Jaejoong only nodded violently and locked Yunho in a tight embrace while the other members cheered. After a long while, Yunho broke the embrace unwillingly and turned to Yoochun.

"You knew of my plans and yet you still allow Jaejoong to flirt with you? Especially when you know I'm such a possessive freak?" Yunho questioned Yoochun harshly. "What were you thinking?"

Sensing that he was in deep shit, Yoochun dashed out of the studio with Yunho hot on his heels.

"YAH! PARK YOO CHUN! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!"

***

And from that day onwards, Yoochun swore that he would stay 10m radius away from Jaejoong. Yunho was just too formidable.

The End.

***

2011-01-16T06:05:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PEK JUN RONG!!!

***
Wish you the best of luck in everything that you do, and for God's sake, treasure your sec three life!!! JIAYOUS. You can do it. :D:D:D

***

Why did I let myself believe that miracles could happen?
Cause now I have to pretend that I don't really care..

2011-01-14T04:12:00.000-08:00

MY TUBA SECTION IS AWESOME!

They're improving and learning, well, with the exception of Tim Lin, as he ALWAYS does his QM stuff.

But man, Jason's attitude really improved a lot, A LOT! :D:D

I'm happy.

Through all this poly shit, and all the obstacles, I realised my love for band has strengthened, and so has my love for my section and my members.

THEY ROCK! :D:D

Sighs, sec four life is crazy. It really is. With the teachers harping on O levels and stuff like that, band's the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes. Other times, band's the one making me insane.

But hey, band's what makes life full of life and I'm real glad that I've joined it.

Haha. I made it through after all.

3 more months to SYF. WE CAN DO THIS!

2011-01-13T07:17:00.000-08:00

Recently, tired, tired and tired. But somehow I still can find time to blog, lol. Sighs. Really worried for my results now, especially when our sec four pure sciences did not perform well this time. Man! They make us stressed.

I really don't want to get a F9 for Physics O level. I want to be part of the people who jumped from D7 to B3. But, is it possible? :(

Depressed over studies, and DBSK. As for CCA, haha, sectionals are kinda okay now that I've talked to them. They know that they must work hard now, so I'm kinda happy, especially when people say that Jason got improve. :D :D

Jing Hui's pissed at bassoon so she's gonna send her over to me, after all, I've offered to teach her cause I know she's a handful and bassoon's parts are real similar to euphonium. :D

Speaking of euphonium, I just feel that they're not improving. I wish I really knew how to conduct sectionals properly. Maybe the ex seniors were right, my section IS the most problematic section.

Whatever it is from now on, I know I gotta work real hard. Jiayous, Amelia, you can do it!

Just when I was about to give up, you guys proved to me that you could do it, and gave me reason to carry on. MY SECTION, I LOVE YOU!

~~now that I look back, I can see clearly what a fool I had made of myself. Liking you, suffering because of you, man, I'm thankful it's over now. It's over.~~

2011-01-12T03:15:00.000-08:00

SUPER PEKCEK SUPER PEKCEK SUPER PEKCEK SUPER PEKCEK SUPER PEKCEK SUPER PEKCEK.

FUCK ALL THIS FUCKING SHIT MAN.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH.

WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD MAN...

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH IT.

AND MAN, WHY ARE THE FIVE OF THEM NOT TOGETHER.

STOP BEING DEPRESSED AND DO SOMETHING MAN.

DO SOMETHING!!!!!!! FOR MOTHERFUCKING PETE'S SAKE.

MAN. I THOUGHT DBSK WOULD CHEER ME UP BUT NO, IT LANDED ME IN A FRENZY OF ANGER.

THANKS A LOT MAN.

FUCK LIFE LA.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I WANT DBSK!!!!!!!!

TO ME, DBSK WILL ALWAYS AND FOREVER WILL BE:

YUNHO

JAEJOONG

JUNSU

CHANGMIN

YOOCHUN

NOT ONE PERSON LESS, OR ONE PERSON MORE.

DBSK IS FIVE AND WILL FOREVER REMAIN AS FIVE.

CASSIOPEIA~~

ALWAYS KEEP THE DAMN FAITH MAN.

2011-01-10T07:15:00.000-08:00

Too much protests, too much obstacles. Should I just give it all up? That, I really don't know. Sometimes I feel like quitting, but every single time, I always get haunted by my dreams. Actually, I know what my heart's trying to tell me, but now, I'm just ignoring it so I can focus on other things. I'm probably not making sense now but maybe it's cause my emotions are conflicted.

I love band, and I really wanna stay, but will I be able to hold on?

2011-01-09T03:11:00.000-08:00

Girl I swear
I’m never going through this again
I know that you thought you’d win
And before I give you another try
I’d die

Love won’t make you cry or ask why
Oh why
So I’ll deny my heart cause
I won’t live a lie
Why try

Your heart is empty
And you’re so cold
You don’t care about you and I
Your heart is empty
You won’t let go
But I’m walkin out this life

Why can’t you let it go
Let it go let it go let it go
Girl because your heart is empty
Why can’t you let it go
Let it go let it go let it go
Girl because your heart is empty

There you go
Tryna tell me how to be a man
When that’s something you just
don’t understand
It’s time to bring your
truth to light
No lie

Love won’t make you
cry or ask why
Oh why
So I’ll deny my heart cause
I won’t live a lie
Why try

Your heart is empty
And you’re so cold
You don’t care about you and I
Your heart is empty
You won’t let go
But I’m walkin out this life

Why can’t you let it go
Let it go let it go let it go
Girl because your heart is empty
Why can’t you let it go
Let it go let it go let it go
Girl because your heart is empty

Your heart is gone
My heart is strong
Leave me alone
leave me alone

Your heart is empty
Your heart is empty
Your heart is empty
Girl because your heart is empty

Your heart is empty
And you’re so cold
You don’t care about you and I
Your heart is empty
You won’t let go
But I’m walkin out this life

Why can’t you let it go
Let it go let it go let it go
Girl because your heart is empty
Why can’t you let it go
Let it go let it go let it go
Girl because your heart is empty

JYJ – Empty Lyrics

Credits: http://www.hotnewsonglyrics.com/jyj-empty-lyrics.html

2011-01-07T23:18:00.000-08:00

She stood there, staring at the rusty old mirror, her thoughts all over the place.

I can do it, I can do it...

The mirror was murky, and her reflection was distorted. She couldn't see anything clearly.

I can do it, I can do it...

Then suddenly, the dust cleared and she was able to see what the mirror was showing her.

I can do it, I can do it...

All those good memories she had with the one thing she loved played back in the mirror, like a video tape playing in the cassette player.

I can do it, I can do it...

Suppressing a weak grin, she thought of all the good memories, and how much she had enjoyed herself back then.

I can do it, I can do it...

Then suddenly, the mirror images begin to change, and all those times that she had suffered and cried were seen.

I can do it, I can do it...

Looking at the bad memories with the one thing she had loved, tears begin to fall from her cheeks. Her resolve is strengthened, and she knew what she must do.

I can do it, I can do it...

Swinging back the hammer she had in her hand, she smashed it into the mirror. Cracks appeared in the mirror, and soon, it shattered into a million pieces.

I did it, I really did it!

Smiling to herself, she stared at her work of art; the broken pieces that marked her success.

Everything is destroyed. All the bad memories are gone.

She took the broken pieces and placed them in a urn before locking it in a safe which key she has thrown away.

They now can never be retrieved.

Standing up, she wiped the tears away from her cheeks and looked up to the bright sun. The one thing that she had loved was destroyed and now she could finally begin a new life.

It was the dawn of a new day.

2011-01-05T06:17:00.000-08:00

School should just go fuck itself and ram its head against the wall. Full-stop.

I guess the only good thing about school is that it forces me not to think of you.

2011-01-02T06:49:00.000-08:00

despite telling myself to not care, unconsciously, i still do. pathetic shit.

Mr Tan said i can anyhow shuffle tuba to any person. but, i don't know.

section leader, what does it mean? to be in charge of the section? to take care of the section? i have no idea.

sheryl wrote on her blog, then she cannot feel the closeness in mcb. well, i can't feel it too.

but man, all this feelings are driving me mad. confusion regarding section and every damn thing.

pssh. whatever man. screw everything.

~~i know you're trying, but i don't want to try anymore. i'm sorry, but let's just let this friendship die, shall we?~~

2011-01-01T05:49:00.000-08:00

HEARTS GET BROKEN, THOUGHTS ARE DISTORTED,

ALL BECAUSE OF UNWANTED FEELINGS, AND UNREQUITED LOVE.

The moment you start to feel, the other party gets the upper hand. That's what that's preventing me from achieving success, unwanted feelings. Regardless of him, or my section, or whatever shit out there, I came to this conclusion that we're better off without feelings, at least unwanted ones.

Remember how I said guys can be classified into idiots, jerks and acceptable? Now, I just think guys are a category by themselves. They're just guys.

*no offence intended to the only male reader of this blog.*

Anyway, it's totally not worth my time to be thinking about this. I gotta work hard for both band and studies. Jiayous to myself, lol. (:

I CAN DO IT, as long as you're not there.